Why ‘Love Should Be Effortless’ Is Ruining Your Relationship

by Libido MismatchMistakes

I’m going to ask you something that may be uncomfortable: What are you willing to invest in your most important relationship?

I’m talking about real investment. Time, money, effort, and attention. The whole deal. That’s what “doing the work” actually means.

And I know some of you are already thinking: “Laura, shouldn’t love be free? Shouldn’t relationships just work naturally if they’re meant to be?”

I totally get where you’re coming from. We’ve been fed this narrative that if you need help with your relationship, something is fundamentally wrong. That good relationships should be effortless. That needing to work on intimacy means you’re somehow not compatible.

That’s bullshit. And it’s keeping people stuck in mediocre relationships when they could be experiencing something truly fulfilling.

The Lie We’ve All Been Sold

Here’s the reality: We live in a culture that gives us absolutely terrible relationship advice.

The media we consume—movies, TV shows, porn—teaches us that passion happens magically and instantly. That communication should be intuitive. That relationship problems are always solved with a grand gesture (and then it’s “happily ever after”). That great sex requires no learning or practice. That everyone orgasms in 2.5 seconds easily, together, while gazing into each other’s eyes. Total B.S.

Meanwhile, we’re also living in a culture that’s deeply uncomfortable with sexuality. That shames women’s desire and shames men for not being stoic performers. That tells us talking about what we want is inappropriate and doesn’t help us actually learn what we want or how to talk about it.

So here we are, expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with no guidance, no education, and a bunch of harmful myths.

Does that make any sense?

We wouldn’t expect someone to become a great musician without lessons or a skilled surgeon without training. But somehow we think we should just know how to create deep intimacy and satisfying sexual connection. We’re literally the most complex, socially sexual animal on the planet, and we’re supposed to figure this out on our own.

The expectation is completely unrealistic.

What Happens When We Believe The Myth

Here’s what I see over and over: People struggle. Couples hit walls. Desire fades. Communication breaks down.

And instead of getting help, people think there’s something wrong with them or their relationship. “It’s broken, can’t be fixed.” “I’m broken, I can’t be fixed.” “My partner is broken, they can’t be fixed.” Or maybe, “If we were really meant to be together, this wouldn’t be so hard.”

Let me tell you something really true from actual experience working with tons of people: The people I work with are not broken. Whether they’re individuals or couples, they are not broken.

They are normal. They are smart, capable people who excel in all kinds of ways in their lives. They just need support in this particular area.

And honestly? I have so much respect for people who are willing to invest in their relationships. Because it’s smart.

Why Your Relationship Deserves Investment

We know from research that healthy relationships literally change your brain and your body in measurable ways.

There’s MRI scan evidence that people in loving relationships have different patterns of brain activity. Being in a fulfilling relationship is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, better immune function, improved cardiovascular health, and even increased longevity.

(And this doesn’t mean you can’t be single. This can also be true for really loving close friendships. I’m talking about your most intimate emotional connections—the ones where you get physical affection.)

Your relationship quality is one of the biggest predictors of your overall happiness and health. In fact, it’s the biggest predictor in most studies. Not your job success. Not your bank account. Not what kind of car you drive or handbag you carry. Not your body size. Your relationships.

So if that’s true, doesn’t it make sense to invest in that area of our lives?

The Investment Paradox

Here’s what’s wild: Most of us spend thousands of dollars a year on our physical health—gym memberships, fancy health food, medical care. We invest in our careers through education, networking, skill development. We spend money on our homes, our cars, our hobbies.

But when it comes to our most important relationship—the one that affects our daily happiness and well-being more than anything else—we hesitate to invest.

Why is that?

I think it’s partly because we’ve been taught that needing help means we’re failing. That love should somehow conquer all without any effort or skill. That’s the line we get fed in the media, in movies, in books.

But I also think it’s because we don’t really understand what’s at stake when your intimate relationship is struggling.

It doesn’t just affect your Saturday night. If you’ve been there, you know: it affects your sleep, your stress levels, your confidence, your ability to show up in other areas of your life. It affects your kids if you have them—they’re learning about relationships by watching you. It affects your friendships, your work, your health. Everything.

And on the flip side, when your intimate relationships are thriving, it enhances everything else. You feel more confident, more resilient, more capable of handling whatever life throws at you. You have a secure base to come home to—a person who really sees and supports you, who you know in your soul you can work things out with if you have troubles.

That’s not just nice to have. It’s life-changing. It’s health-changing.

What Investment Actually Looks Like

So what does investing in your relationship actually mean?

It might mean:

  • Getting coaching when you hit rough patches, instead of just hoping things will get better on their own
  • Taking a workshop together on communication
  • Actually having conversations about intimacy instead of avoiding them
  • Scheduling and following through on regular date nights and weekly relationship check-ins—and protecting that time instead of letting everything else take priority
  • Putting effort into finding your own desire so you’re not just making it your partner’s job to turn you on all the time
  • Having awkward conversations about sex instead of avoiding them
  • Reading books together about relationships
  • Making space in your budget for things that support your connection—whether that’s childcare so you can have alone time, or a weekend retreat, or whatever works for your situation

I had a client who recently said something that gave me the inspiration for this whole conversation: “We spend more money on our lawn care than we do on our relationship.”

When she said it out loud, she realized how backwards that was. They’d been willing for years to pay someone to keep their grass healthy, but they thought their marriage should just maintain itself.

Investment Doesn’t Always Mean Money

I want to be clear: I’m not saying throw money at your relationship problems, or that expensive equals better.

You can create incredible intimacy with really thoughtful investments. Some of the most powerful relationship work actually comes through daily practices, honest conversations, and consistent attention to each other.

But sometimes you need help figuring out how to do some of those things in a way that works. That’s where coaching, therapy, workshops, or courses come in. But that’s not right for everybody, and that’s okay. There are other ways to invest.

What I am saying is this: Your relationship deserves the same level of intentionality and investment that you give to other important areas of your life.

If you want a great relationship to take into your future with you, you’ve got to invest in it—just like if you want a retirement account later in life, you’ve got to invest in it.

It deserves your best effort, not your leftovers.

The Preventative Maintenance Approach

Here’s something I see so much: The couples who are willing to invest in their relationship early—who get help before things are actually really problematic—usually need less help overall.

Take your car in for an oil change and you probably won’t need to get the head gasket replaced. It’s like getting preventative healthcare instead of waiting for a crisis.

Figure out how to strengthen your connection now, when it’s not a huge problem. Figure out how to do relationship repair before you have this huge closet full of resentments that you’re terrified to open.

Because good intimacy is a skill. Communication is a skill. Creating and maintaining desire in a long-term relationship—that’s a skill. And all of them can be learned and improved with the right guidance and practice, just like any skills. 

I know this because I used to be totally awful at communication and intimacy. Yep. Really, really bad. Then I learned step by step. Now I’m really great at it.

Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to master a sport without coaching or become fluent in a language without study and practice, there’s no way you should intuitively know how to navigate complex emotional and sexual dynamics with another human being without help.

Why We Don’t Know How To Do This

The reality is most of us learned about relationships from watching our parents, who learned from watching their parents, and so on. And a lot of what got passed down isn’t particularly healthy or effective.

That, on top of all those mixed messages and harmful messages from culture and media—and then we’re often trying to figure stuff out in times of stress or conflict. It’s no wonder people struggle.

So it’s really understandable to need help. And whatever the right support is for you, most relationship challenges are absolutely workable, especially if you get an outside perspective and get some help.

A lot of couples who think they’re doomed just discover that they need some new tools or perspectives.

And I want to be honest: Some couples actually discover the best thing for them is to split, and they just need help finding clarity and navigating that. That’s valid too.

The Question That Changes Everything

Here’s what I want you to consider:

What would change in your life if your most intimate relationship was thriving?

If you felt deeply seen and supported. If you had amazing communication and incredibly satisfying intimacy. If you felt like a team tackling life together.

What would that be worth to you? What would you be willing to invest—in terms of time, effort, and money—in creating that?

Because it’s absolutely possible. It’s possible for you. It just probably will require some intentional effort and some actual investment.

Your Relationships Are Not The Place To Cut Corners

Our relationships are not the place to skimp. They’re too important for your well-being and your happiness. They deserve our best effort, our attention, our investment.

So if you’re one of the people who’ve been on the fence about getting help for your relationship, or having difficult conversations, or making time for connection a real priority—I want to encourage you to take that next step. Whatever that step is for you.

Your future self will thank you.

And I want to invite you to really think about this: How much would you be willing to invest to have the most amazing, supportive, deeply fulfilling, open and honest connection possible for you in this life?

That’s what I want for you.

Related Posts

Listen to the Full Episode

This post is based on an episode of The Desire Gap Podcast. Listen for even more depth, examples, and context on why this myth is so damaging.

Need Help Taking That Next Step?

If you’re ready to invest in your relationship but aren’t sure where to start, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening for you and what kind of support would actually help.

Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire gaps and the creator of The Desire Bridge MethodTM. She helps individuals and couples invest in what matters most—creating deeply fulfilling, authentic intimate connections.

Why Do I Want Sex So Much (Or So Little)? Understanding Your Desire

by Uncategorized

If you’re dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples—there’s so much more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together.

Most higher-desire partners think they just want sex. Most lower-desire partners think they just don’t want sex. But when I start asking deeper questions, what emerges is so much more nuanced, so much more useful, and so much more addressable than “I want it” or “I don’t want it.”

So as we head into a new year, I want to walk you through the questions both partners need to ask themselves. These aren’t the end of your exploration—they’re the starting point. But they’re powerful starting points that can shift everything.

Special Note: Some of the questions that I’m starting with here – “What do you want when you do want sex?” and “What do you not want when you don’t want sex?” – are highlighted in the wonderful Emily Nagoski’s latest book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. I highly recommend it—Emily’s work is de-shaming, science-based, and genuinely helpful. It won’t solve your desire gap on its own, but it’s a valuable addition as you do the deeper work, and will give you some great perspective. 

If you’re working with a good coach or therapist, they are always going to ask some version of these questions. It’s because we know that helping you dig deeper into what YOU, as the unique individual you are, actually want, beyond orgasm is critical.

Seriously, these questions are KEY. What you actually are seeking in desire (or lack of it) has so many layers. Truly understanding the deeper layers of what you want or don’t want is absolutely fundamental to having a great sex life. Chances are you’ll need professional support to uncover all of those layers, but the questions here will get you started if you really take the time to reflect. 

For Higher-Desire Partners: What Do You Really Want When You Want Sex?

If you’re the higher-desire partner, I want you to pause and really think about this. When you want sex, what are you actually wanting?

And before you answer “sex” or “an orgasm,” let me push you further. Because here’s the thing: if all you wanted was an orgasm, you could take care of that yourself. So what is it you’re really seeking?

The Questions to Explore

Are you seeking to feel wanted or desired?

Is it the validation that your partner finds you attractive? Is the wanting itself what you’re craving—the feeling of being pursued, needed, chosen? For many people, the desire to be desired is actually stronger than the desire for the physical act itself.

Are you trying to feel worthy or loved?

Have you tied your sense of worthiness to whether your partner wants to have sex with you? Is sex the primary way you know you’re loved? If your partner says yes to sex, does it mean you’re valuable? If they say no, does it mean you’re not?

This is really common, and it puts enormous pressure on both of you. Your worth as a human being cannot hinge on whether your partner wants sex in any given moment.

Are you using sex for emotional regulation?

Are you using sex to manage stress, anxiety, or difficult emotions? Is it a distraction from worries or feelings you don’t want to deal with? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, more settled after sex?

There’s nothing inherently wrong with this—sex can be soothing and connecting. But if it’s your only or primary tool for managing difficult emotions, that’s a problem. Your partner will feel the weight of being responsible for your emotional well-being, and that pressure kills desire.

Are you seeking reassurance that your relationship is okay?

When your partner says yes to sex, does it mean everything is fine between you? When they say no, does it trigger panic that the relationship is failing? Are you using sex as a barometer for relationship health?

If sex is your primary measure of whether things are okay, every “no” becomes an existential threat. And that creates massive pressure for your partner to say yes just to keep you from spiraling.

Are you craving physical sensation and connection?

Do you genuinely crave the feeling of someone else’s skin on yours? The physical closeness, the touch, the intimacy of bodies together? Is it about sharing pleasure, experiencing sensation, feeling connected through your body?

Is it about expressing or receiving love?

Is sex how you show love or how you feel most loved? Is it your primary love language? When you’re having sex with your partner, do you feel like you’re giving them a gift of love, or receiving one?

Why This Matters

Once you know what you’re really seeking, two important things happen:

  1. You can find other ways to meet that need when sex isn’t available.

If you need reassurance, you can ask for it directly: “I’m feeling disconnected—can we talk?” If you need physical touch, you can ask for non-sexual affection. If you need to feel desired, you can explore what else makes you feel that way—compliments, eye contact, your partner initiating conversation or dates.

  1. You understand the pressure you might be putting on your partner.

If you’re using sex to manage your anxiety, your partner feels that. If you can’t feel worthy or loved any other way, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else’s libido. Many people don’t want to have sex with someone who needs it for emotional regulation or validation—it feels like too much pressure, like their body has to be a tool for someone else’s well-being.

I’m not saying these needs are wrong. They’re human. But if sex is the ONLY way you’re meeting these needs, that’s a problem for both you and your partner.

Your Action Step

Sit with this question: What do I really want when I want sex?

Get out a piece of paper or open a notes app. Write down everything that comes up. Be honest. Don’t judge yourself. Just get curious.

You might discover:

  • “I want to feel like my partner still finds me attractive”
  • “I want reassurance that we’re okay”
  • “I want to feel calm and grounded”
  • “I want to connect and feel close”
  • “I want to feel desired and pursued”

All of these are valid. The goal is just to know what’s really driving your desire so you can work with it consciously instead of unconsciously putting pressure on your partner.

For Lower-Desire Partners: What Are You Really Trying to Avoid?

Now, if you’re the lower-desire partner, understanding what you want and what you don’t want is equally important. It’s essential to know what you DO want when you actually do want sex. So ask yourself all the same questions above. But for you, we also really want to know this: What are you trying to avoid when you don’t want sex?

This is where the gold is. Because most people focus on “why don’t I want sex?” But that’s often the wrong question. The better question is: “What is it about sex—or the context around sex—that I don’t want?”

The Questions to Explore

Are you avoiding specific physical sensations?

Which sensations specifically? Penetration? Certain kinds of touch? Speed? Pressure? Does something hurt? Feel uncomfortable? Overwhelming? Boring?

Have you actually tuned in to what your body is experiencing during sex, or are you just checked out? Many people have been having sex while dissociated for so long that they don’t even know what they’re actually feeling.

Are memories intruding?

Do past experiences come up during sex? Are there associations with sex that feel unsafe or uncomfortable? Does sex trigger anxiety or trauma responses?

Even if you don’t have clear traumatic memories, your body might be responding to things your conscious mind doesn’t remember. Pay attention to what comes up.

Are you dealing with judgments about yourself?

Are you thinking “I should be into this” or “What’s wrong with me?” Are you worried about how your body looks, smells, sounds? Are you performing instead of feeling? Are you watching yourself from outside your body, critiquing your performance?

Are you dealing with judgments about your partner?

Are there resentments that come up during sex? Do you feel pressure, obligation, or guilt? Are you angry or hurt about something unrelated to sex that makes being vulnerable and intimate feel impossible?

Are certain emotions arising that you want to avoid?

What feelings come up when your partner initiates? Dread? Guilt? Pressure? Anxiety? Do you feel like you’re failing or disappointing them? Do you shut down emotionally to get through it?

Is it about lack of context or safety?

Does the timing feel wrong? The environment? Your stress level? Do you need more emotional connection first? Is your nervous system not in a place where pleasure is even possible?

Maybe you need to feel seen and heard in conversation before you can be vulnerable physically. Maybe you need to not be exhausted. Maybe you need the house to be clean, the kids to be asleep, and your to-do list to be manageable.

Is it the obligation or expectation?

Does sex feel like a chore, a duty, something you “should” do? Are you saying yes when your body is saying no? Has sex become associated with pressure instead of pleasure?

If you’ve been having obligation sex, your body has learned that sex equals discomfort and disconnection. Of course you don’t want it.

Why This Matters

When you know what you’re actually avoiding, you can:

  1. Communicate it to your partner.

“I’m not avoiding sex with you, I’m avoiding [the specific thing]” is so much clearer and less hurtful than “I just don’t want sex.” It helps your partner understand this isn’t about them or their desirability.

  1. Start addressing the actual problem.

If it’s physical discomfort, you can work on that—different positions, more foreplay, lubricant, pelvic floor therapy. If it’s emotional safety, you can build that through communication and rebuilding trust. If it’s context, you can change that—different timing, different setting, different approach.

  1. Reclaim your own desire.

When you remove what you’re avoiding, space opens up for what you actually want. Your authentic desire has room to emerge. You might discover you do want sexual connection—just not the kind you’ve been having.

Also Important: What DO You Want?

It’s equally useful to explore: When you DO want sex, what is it you’re wanting?

Connection? Pleasure? Playfulness? Feeling desired? Feeling powerful? Losing yourself? Finding yourself? Feeling alive in your body?

Knowing what lights you up helps you communicate that to your partner and create more of it. You can start building a sex life based on what you actually want, not what you think you should want.

Your Action Step

Sit with this question: What am I really trying to avoid when I don’t want sex?

Get specific. Write it down. Be brutally honest with yourself. No shame. Just curiosity.

You might discover:

  • “I’m avoiding the pressure I feel to perform”
  • “I’m avoiding physical sensations that hurt or feel uncomfortable”
  • “I’m avoiding feeling like my body is just a tool for someone else’s needs”
  • “I’m avoiding the guilt and inadequacy I feel when I can’t get aroused”
  • “I’m avoiding touch because every touch has become a potential initiation”

All of these point to real, addressable problems. Once you know what you’re avoiding, you can start working on it.

The Power of Better Questions: Stop Asking Yourself Crappy Questions

Here’s something really important about how your brain works: it will seek answers to whatever questions you ask it.

If you ask yourself “Why am I so stupid?” your brain will give you five reasons you’re stupid. If you ask “Why am I such a terrible partner?” your brain will compile evidence for that too.

Your brain isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s just doing its job. It’s a pattern-finding machine. You give it a question, it finds patterns and answers.

So if you’re asking yourself crappy, disempowering questions, you’re going to get crappy, disempowering answers. And then you’ll feel terrible because your brain just confirmed all your worst fears about yourself.

Examples of Crappy Questions

  • Why am I so broken?
  • What’s wrong with me that I don’t want sex?
  • Why can’t I just be normal?
  • Why am I so needy/frigid/demanding/difficult?
  • Why doesn’t my partner want me anymore?
  • Why can’t I do anything right?

These questions are shame-based, judgment-filled, and disempowering. And they make you feel like garbage.

Ask Better Questions Instead

What if, instead, you asked yourself curious, judgment-free, empowering questions?

Examples of better questions:

  • What do I really want when I want sex?
  • What am I trying to avoid when I don’t want sex?
  • What would help me feel more connected to my body?
  • What do I need to feel safe enough for desire to emerge?
  • How can I honor both my needs and my partner’s needs? (Pro tip: this does not mean having sex when you don’t want to – your partner doesn’t need sex, but they may have an emotional need for connection that you can honor)
  • What’s one small thing that would make physical affection feel better to me?
  • What does my body need right now?
  • How can I show up more authentically in this relationship?

The difference: These questions are curious. They’re open. They assume you’re capable of figuring things out. They don’t start from a place of shame or brokenness—they start from a place of “there’s something to learn here.”

And when you ask yourself these kinds of questions, your brain goes to work finding useful answers instead of just confirming your worst beliefs about yourself.

An Invitation for 2026: Ask Better, More Empowering Questions

As we head into the new year, here’s what I want you to commit to: Ask yourself more curious, judgment-free, empowering questions.

Step 1: Awareness

Take a moment right now and write down:

  • What are the crappy, disempowering questions I regularly ask myself?
  • How do I feel when I ask myself these questions?

Just notice. Don’t judge yourself for judging yourself (that’s meta-judgment and it doesn’t help). Just observe the pattern.

Step 2: Replacement

For each crappy question you identified, write a better version:

  • Instead of “Why am I so broken?” → “What do I need to heal?”
  • Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” → “What’s really going on for me?”
  • Instead of “Why doesn’t my partner want me?” → “What does my partner need to feel closer to me?”

Step 3: Practice

This won’t happen overnight. You’ll catch yourself asking crappy questions—we all do. When you notice it, pause:

  • “Oh, there I go again asking myself why I’m so [whatever].”
  • “What’s a better question I could ask instead?”
  • Reframe in real time.

Over time, this becomes a habit. And it changes everything.

The Big Takeaway

These questions aren’t the end—they’re the starting point.

For higher-desire partners: Understanding what you really want when you want sex helps you find other ways to meet those needs and removes pressure from your partner.

For lower-desire partners: Understanding what you’re really trying to avoid when you don’t want sex helps you address the actual problem instead of just feeling broken.

For everyone: Asking yourself better questions—curious, judgment-free, empowering questions—will give you better answers and help you feel better too.

When both partners do this work—when you both get curious about yourselves without judgment—you create the foundation for real conversation, real understanding, and real change.

You’re not broken. Your relationship isn’t doomed. You’re just asking questions that haven’t served you yet.

Let’s ask better questions together.

Related Posts

Listen to the Podcast Episode

This post is based on an episode of The Desire Gap Podcast. Listen to the full episode for even more depth and examples.

***

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. She helps individuals and couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and authentic connection using somatic, body-based methods.

How to Stop Taking Sexual Rejection Personally

by Libido MismatchMistakes

If you’re the higher-desire partner, this one’s for you.

When your partner says no to sex and you immediately spiral into “they don’t love me,” “I’m undesirable,” or “our relationship is doomed”—you’re making their experience all about you. And while I understand why (sexual rejection hurts), this response creates a massive problem.

When you catastrophize about rejection, you create MORE pressure for your partner to say yes next time just to manage YOUR feelings. Which means their yes isn’t coming from authentic desire—it’s coming from guilt and anxiety about how you’ll react. Which kills their desire even more.

See how this becomes a self-reinforcing cycle?

What This Mistake Looks Like

You might be taking rejection personally if you recognize these patterns:

Immediate emotional flooding. The moment your partner says no, you feel crushed, angry, or panicked.

Catastrophic thinking. Your mind spirals: “They’re never attracted to me,” “They’re probably having an affair,” “I’m not enough,” “Our relationship is doomed.”

Emotional withdrawal. After rejection, you become cold or distant. You withdraw affection, conversation, connection—everything.

Sulking or moping. You don’t say anything directly, but your body language communicates: “I’m hurt and you did this to me.”

Your partner manages your feelings. They start saying yes out of guilt because they’ve learned that saying no means dealing with your emotional fallout.

Avoiding initiation entirely. Eventually you stop initiating because rejection feels like proof you’re unlovable.

Why This Backfires So Badly

I’ve seen cases where the entire desire discrepancy was caused by this pattern—by one partner catastrophizing when their partner occasionally said no to sex.

Here’s what happens: It creates pressure. Your partner feels enormous pressure to say yes—not because they want to, but because they need to manage your emotions. It trains them to avoid you. They go to bed earlier or later. They create distance as protection. It makes you unsexy. Sulky energy is not attractive. It prevents understanding. You can’t be curious about what’s actually happening for them when you’re spiraling about yourself. It shuts down their libido. Who wants to have sex with someone who will punish them emotionally if they say no?

The Truth About Rejection

Their “no” to sex is not a “no” to you as a person.

Their lack of desire in this moment doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or unattractive. It means their body isn’t saying yes right now for THEIR reasons: stress about work, exhaustion, feeling touched out, needing emotional connection first, dealing with anxiety, not feeling well, needing different foreplay, or their nervous system not being in a place where sex feels safe.

None of these reasons are about whether you’re desirable enough.

The Psychology Behind Catastrophizing Sexual Rejection

Most people who catastrophize about sexual rejection don’t have a diagnosable condition—they’re dealing with deeper issues around sexual entitlement, self-worth, or attachment patterns.

Sexual Entitlement

Some people have absorbed the belief that their own sexual satisfaction is paramount and should be expected from their partner regardless of their partner’s feelings or bodily autonomy. When denied, they resort to pouting, sulking, or manipulation to induce guilt. These are all forms of coercion, even if unintentional.

This often stems from societal messaging, an inflated sense of self, or overcompensation for sexual shame and low self-esteem. Listen to this podcast episode to help you understand what higher-libido partners can do, and what is reasonable to expect from your partner.

Self-Worth Tied to Sexual Validation

For many people, self-esteem is largely contingent on their perceived attractiveness or sexual performance. When this is true, a partner’s “no” feels devastating. The refusal gets interpreted as proof that you’re no longer desirable, lovable, or “enough.”

This triggers thoughts like: “They don’t love me anymore,” “They’re going to leave me,” “I’m not attractive,” “There’s something fundamentally wrong with me.”

When your sense of worth depends on your partner’s sexual desire for you, every “no” becomes an existential threat.

Insecure Attachment Patterns

If you have anxious attachment, you may be hyper-vigilant to signs of abandonment. A simple “not tonight” gets interpreted as “they’re pulling away” or “they’re going to leave me.” This isn’t conscious—it’s how your nervous system learned to protect itself based on past experiences.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (A Subset)

For some people—particularly those with ADHD—there’s an additional layer called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). I know about this because I have ADHD and I’ve experienced RSD myself. With RSD, any perceived rejection triggers an immediate, intense emotional reaction.

But RSD is just one specific manifestation. Most people who catastrophize sexual rejection are dealing with entitlement, self-worth, or attachment issues, not RSD.

The key for everyone—whether you have RSD or not—is learning to separate reality from what your brain is telling you.

What to Do Instead

For the person experiencing catastrophizing:

Practice self-awareness. Notice when you’re catastrophizing: “I’m making this about me. I’m spiraling. This is my pattern.”

Challenge the catastrophic thoughts. Ask: Is this “no” truly a sign the relationship is doomed, or is it simply a “not right now”? What’s the actual evidence?

Nurture self-worth internally. Develop a sense of worth that comes from within, not solely from your partner’s sexual validation. Your value as a person is not determined by whether your partner wants sex right now.

Engage in self-care. Pursue hobbies and activities that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t make your partner solely responsible for your emotional well-being.

Address the entitlement mindset. Your partner’s body is not a resource for your satisfaction. Their “no” is a boundary that deserves respect, not punishment.

Work on attachment patterns. If you have anxious attachment, consider therapy to address underlying fears of abandonment. Learn to self-soothe instead of requiring constant reassurance through sexual validation.

For both partners:

Create safe communication. Build a non-judgmental space to discuss feelings. The partner saying no can explain why (stress, fatigue) and suggest alternative ways to connect or a future time for intimacy.

Set and respect boundaries. The partner who’s often saying no needs to assert boundaries clearly. The other partner must respect these without sulking or emotional withdrawal.

Explore other forms of intimacy. Find alternative ways to connect: cuddling, holding hands, meaningful conversations, shared activities. These foster closeness while taking pressure off sexual performance.

Seek professional help when needed. A qualified therapist or coach can help navigate these complex dynamics and develop healthier patterns.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Instead of: Partner: “I’m not up for sex tonight.” You: [Goes silent, turns away, shuts down emotionally]

Try this: Partner: “I’m not up for sex tonight.” You: “Okay, I hear you. Is there something else you’d like to do together? I’d still love to connect.”

Instead of: Partner: “I’m really tired.” You: [Internal spiral about being undesirable and the relationship being doomed]

Try this: Partner: “I’m really tired.” You: [Notice the thoughts, label them as catastrophizing, remind yourself this isn’t about your worth] You: “I get that. You’ve had a long day. Want to just cuddle and watch something?”

The Relief This Creates

When you stop taking rejection personally:

For you: Less anxiety and catastrophic thinking, more genuine connection, better emotional regulation, less rejection overall (because you’ve removed the pressure), more confidence.

For your partner: Immediate relief from pressure, safety to say “no” without fear, space for authentic desire to emerge, more trust in you, often an increase in desire over time.

For your relationship: More authentic communication, less resentment, better emotional intimacy, foundation for rebuilding sexual connection.

Your Next Steps

1. Acknowledge the pattern. If you’ve been making rejection about you, own it: “I realize when you say no to sex, I’ve been making it all about me. I’m working on changing that.”

2. Practice emotional regulation. The next time you feel rejected, pause. Notice what’s happening. Breathe. Remind yourself this isn’t about your worth.

3. Stay connected after “no.” When your partner says no to sex, stay warm, present, and affectionate. Show both of you that you can handle their boundaries.

4. Do your own work. If rejection triggers deep wounds, consider therapy or coaching to address underlying attachment issues or anxiety.

Related Posts

Need More Help?

If you’re recognizing this pattern and want support changing it, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening in your specific situation.

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. She helps individuals and couples shift from catastrophic thinking and pressure to curiosity, safety, and authentic connection.

Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)

by Libido MismatchMistakes

Let me be direct about this: If you’re having obligation sex, you are harming yourself and your relationship.

I know that sounds harsh. And I say it with compassion, because I understand why you’re doing it. I’ve been there. You don’t want to disappoint your partner. You don’t want to deal with their hurt feelings or their moping or their withdrawal. You’re hoping that if you just say yes, maybe you’ll get into it. You’re trying to be a “good partner.”

But here’s what’s actually happening: you’re teaching your body that sex is something to endure, not enjoy. And that has serious consequences.

What Obligation Sex Looks Like

You might be having obligation sex if you recognize any of these:

  • Thinking “I’ll just get it over with so they stop asking”
  • Having sex when you’re not remotely turned on, hoping you’ll “get into it” eventually
  • Continuing even when you don’t get into it
  • Performing enthusiasm you don’t feel
  • Lying still and waiting for it to be over
  • Saying yes to avoid disappointing your partner or dealing with their emotional reaction
  • Feeling relieved when it’s finished
  • Experiencing physical pain or difficulty with arousal because your body is saying no even though your mouth said yes

If any of this resonates, please keep reading. This is important.

Why Obligation Sex Is So Harmful

Your body registers every time you cross your own boundaries.

When you have sex you don’t want, your nervous system is paying attention. It notices: “We’re doing something uncomfortable. We’re not safe right now. We’re ignoring our own signals.”

Over time, this teaches your nervous system that:

  • Sex = pressure and discomfort
  • Your needs don’t matter
  • Your partner is not actually safe
  • Saying yes doesn’t mean you’re actually consenting—it means you’re managing someone else’s emotions

This creates a cascade of problems:

1. It builds resentment. You cannot do things you don’t want to do for someone else without building resentment. That’s the recipe. Put two and two together and you get four—the four is the resentment. There’s no way around it.

2. It makes future desire less likely. Your body learns that sex is associated with discomfort and disconnection. Why would your body want more of that? It won’t. Your libido will tank further as a protective mechanism.

3. It can create physical pain. If your body isn’t wanting or ready for sex, you can experience pain, numbness, difficulty with arousal, or even injury. Your body needs arousal for comfortable sex—forcing it creates problems.

4. It increases emotional detachment. Research shows that women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment from their partners and decreased relationship satisfaction. You’re creating distance, not connection.

5. It teaches your partner the wrong thing. When you say yes but your body is saying no, your partner learns they can’t trust your yes. They’re having sex with someone who’s not fully present. That’s not intimacy—it’s performance.

The Research on Duty Sex

Studies on “duty sex” or “maintenance sex” consistently show negative outcomes:

  • Increased emotional detachment from partners
  • Decreased relationship satisfaction
  • Higher rates of sexual dysfunction over time
  • Lower overall sexual desire
  • Increased likelihood of sexual pain disorders

In other words: the very thing you’re doing to “keep the peace” is actually destroying your sexual connection and your relationship satisfaction.

Why You’re Doing It (And Why That Makes Sense)

If obligation sex is so harmful, why do people do it?

Because you care about your partner. Because you don’t want them to feel rejected. Because you’re afraid of conflict or their emotional withdrawal. Because you think it’s your duty as a partner. Because you hope it will prevent your relationship from falling apart.

These are all understandable reasons. You’re trying to take care of your relationship. You’re trying to be loving. The problem is that the strategy backfires.

Most higher-desire partners, if they truly understood what was happening, would rather you honor your boundaries than build resentment. They want you to WANT them, not just go through the motions.

What to Do Instead: Honoring Your No While Staying Engaged

Here’s the key: You can set a boundary AND still show love and connection.

The formula:

  1. Honor your “no” to what you’re not available for
  2. Offer what you ARE available for
  3. Make sure whatever you offer genuinely feels okay to YOU

This looks like:

“Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect with you. How about we cuddle and talk?”

“I’m not up for intercourse tonight, but I’d love to make out with you if that sounds good to you.”

“I’m feeling really touched out today, but I’d love to hold hands while we watch a movie together.”

“I’m not in a place for sex right now, but could we take a bath together?”

The crucial part: Whatever you offer must genuinely feel good to you. Don’t offer making out if making out feels like pressure. Don’t offer cuddling if you need space. Your offer should feel like connection and pleasure to you, not like a consolation prize you’re forcing yourself to give.

What If You’re Not Available for Anything Physical?

Sometimes you’re not available for any physical connection. That’s okay too. You can still stay engaged emotionally:

“I know we’re both wanting more connection lately. I’m not in a place for physical intimacy tonight, but I’d love to talk about what we could plan for this weekend when I’m less exhausted.”

“I need some alone time tonight to recharge, but I’m looking forward to connecting tomorrow. Thank you for understanding.”

The key is: you’re not shutting down the conversation or the relationship. You’re just being honest about what you’re available for right now.

How to Have This Conversation

If you’ve been having obligation sex and want to stop, you need to have a conversation with your partner. Here’s how:

Pick a neutral time. Not in bed. Not right after they’ve initiated. Not when either of you is upset. Pick a calm moment when you’re both rested. It’s great if you can schedule it in advance.

Use “I” statements. “I’ve realized I’ve been saying yes to sex sometimes when I’m not actually wanting it, and I need to stop doing that. It’s creating resentment and making my desire worse.”

Explain why this is good for both of you. “I want us to only have sex when we’re both truly into it. That means sometimes I’m going to say no. But when I say yes, you’ll know I really mean it. And I think that will be so much better for both of us.”

Reassure them. “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or find you attractive. It means I want our sex life to be based on authentic desire, not obligation.”

Offer alternatives. “When I’m not available for sex, I’ll try to offer other ways we can connect that feel good to me. But I need you to be okay with hearing my no without punishing me for it.”

What If Your Partner Reacts Badly?

Some partners will understand immediately. Others might feel defensive, hurt, or panicked. That’s understandable—this might feel threatening to them.

If your partner reacts badly:

Stay calm and compassionate. “I understand this is hard to hear. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to make our relationship better.”

Don’t back down. Your boundaries matter. If your partner can’t handle you having boundaries around your own body, that’s a relationship problem that needs addressing.

Consider professional help. If you can’t navigate this conversation on your own, a couples therapist or coach can help mediate. I do this work in my practice.

The Relief on the Other Side

When you stop having obligation sex, here’s what often happens:

For the lower-desire partner:

  • Immediate relief from pressure
  • Space to discover what you actually want
  • Reconnection with your own body and desires
  • Rebuilding trust with yourself
  • Often, over time, the return of authentic desire

For the higher-desire partner:

  • Initial discomfort, but then relief that they’re no longer having sex with someone who’s just going through the motions
  • Clarity about when their partner is genuinely into it
  • Often, better quality sex when it does happen
  • Rebuilding trust in their partner’s yes
  • A genuine chance for your partner to recover authentic interest in sex with you

For the relationship:

  • More authentic connection
  • Less resentment
  • Better communication
  • Foundation for rebuilding genuine desire

Your Next Steps

1. Make the decision. Commit to yourself: I will no longer have sex I don’t want.

2. Prepare the conversation. Think through what you want to say to your partner. Write it down if that helps.

3. Have the conversation. Pick a good time and be honest. (Listen to this podcast episode for help with when and how to talk about sex)

4. Practice your boundaries. Start saying no when you mean no. Start offering alternatives that feel good to you.

5. Notice what happens in your body. As you stop crossing your boundaries, pay attention to how your body responds. You might be surprised at what emerges.

6. Get support if needed. This isn’t always easy to navigate alone. Book a consultation if you want help.

Related Posts

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. She helps individuals and couples shift from obligation and pressure to authentic desire and genuine connection.

How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic

by Libido MismatchMistakes

 

This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies.

When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only they would just want sex more, everything would be fine, right?

Wrong.

And I say this with compassion, because I understand the impulse. When you’re the higher-desire partner, it genuinely feels like your partner’s lack of desire is the problem. When you’re the lower-desire partner, you might even believe you’re broken and need fixing.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples: treating this as a “broken person” problem instead of a “stuck dynamic” problem makes everything worse.

What This Mistake Looks Like

You might be making this mistake if you’re:

  • Sending your partner articles or podcast episodes about “how to boost libido” without them asking
  • Making doctor’s appointments for them to get their hormones checked
  • Suggesting supplements, books, or therapists to “fix” their low sex drive
  • Saying things like “You need to figure out what’s wrong with your libido”
  • Thinking “If only you would just want sex more, we’d be fine”
  • Researching “low libido solutions” and presenting them to your partner

If you’re the lower-desire partner, this mistake might look like:

  • Thinking of yourself as broken or defective
  • Feeling like a project that needs to be fixed
  • Taking on the entire responsibility for “solving” the desire gap
  • Believing something is medically or psychologically wrong with you
  • Feeling shame about not wanting sex as often as your partner

Why This Approach Backfires

When you treat your partner like a broken appliance that needs repairing, you create:

Shame. Nothing kills desire faster than feeling defective or inadequate. When the lower-desire partner feels like they’re broken, their nervous system registers this as unsafe. And desire cannot emerge in conditions of shame and unsafety.

Defensiveness. When someone feels attacked or criticized (even if that’s not your intention), they become defensive. Defensive people don’t open up—they shut down.

Resistance. The more you push someone to change, the more they dig in their heels. This is basic human psychology. Nobody wants to be someone’s fix-it project.

Pressure. When you’re constantly trying to “solve” your partner’s libido, they feel pressured. Pressure is the antithesis of desire. You cannot pressure someone into wanting you.

All of these create the exact opposite conditions needed for desire to emerge. Desire needs safety, openness, playfulness, and connection. “Fixing” your partner creates danger, defensiveness, resistance, and distance.

The Paradigm Shift That Changes Everything

Here’s the fundamental truth: This is not a “broken person” problem. This is a “stuck dynamic” problem.

You’re both caught in a relationship pattern. Neither of you is doing this on purpose. Both of you are suffering—just in different ways. One of you is feeling rejected and undesired. The other is feeling pressured and inadequate.

When you shift from “your low libido is the problem” to “our dynamic is creating challenges for both of us,” everything changes. It opens the possibility for collaborative problem-solving instead of blame.

What to Do Instead: The “Our Dynamic” Approach

1. Change your language from “you” to “we”

Instead of: “You need to work on your libido” Try: “I think we need to look at what’s happening in our relationship that’s making intimacy harder”

Instead of: “What’s wrong with you that you don’t want sex?” Try: “What’s happening between us that’s making desire difficult?”

This might sound like just semantics, but it’s actually fundamentally important. Language shapes how we think about problems—and how we approach solutions.

2. Get curious about both of your roles

Both partners contribute to the dynamic. Yes, both. Even if it feels like only one person “has the problem.”

Questions to explore:

  • How might the higher-desire partner be creating pressure (even unintentionally)?
  • How might the lower-desire partner be avoiding difficult conversations?
  • What’s each person doing that might be making desire harder for the other?
  • What unmet needs does each person have?

3. Recognize you’re both suffering

The higher-desire partner is experiencing: rejection, loneliness, feeling undesired, anxiety about the relationship, frustration, sometimes even grief over the loss of physical intimacy.

The lower-desire partner is experiencing: pressure, guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety about disappointing their partner, sometimes even dread around touch.

Both sets of feelings are valid. Both partners are struggling. This isn’t about whose pain is “worse”—it’s about recognizing you’re both in pain, just in different ways.

4. Approach it as teammates, not opponents

You’re not on opposite sides of this problem. You’re on the same team, facing a challenge together. The challenge is the desire gap—not each other.

Ask: “How can WE create conditions where both of us feel good about our intimate connection?”

What This Looks Like in Practice

Instead of researching “low libido fixes” for your partner, research desire discrepancies in relationships. Learn about how common this is (research suggests 80% of long-term relationships experience it at some point). Learn about responsive desire. Learn about how stress, mental load, and relationship dynamics affect desire.

Instead of sending your partner articles, read them yourself first. Then say: “Hey, I read this article about desire discrepancies and I’m realizing some ways I might be contributing to the pressure you feel. Can we talk about it?”

Instead of making appointments for your partner, suggest couples counseling or coaching with someone qualified (pro tip: most couples counselors or therapists have little to no training in sexuality, so find a specialist or reach out to me). The message shifts from “you need fixing” to “we need support navigating this together.”

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your partner, ask what the relationship needs. “What would help both of us feel more connected?” “What’s missing in our relationship that would make intimacy feel better for both of us?”

The Relief This Creates

When you stop trying to fix your partner and start addressing the dynamic, both partners experience relief:

The lower-desire partner feels: less shame, less pressure, more like a human being (not a project), more willing to engage in conversations about intimacy, safer to be vulnerable.

The higher-desire partner feels: less frustration (because you’re actually working on the real problem), more hope (because there are things YOU can do, not just things your partner needs to fix), more connected (because you’re teammates, not adversaries).

Your Next Steps

If you’ve been making this mistake, here’s what to do:

1. Acknowledge it. If you’ve been treating your partner like they’re broken, own it: “I realize I’ve been acting like this is your problem to fix, and I’m sorry. I’m learning this is actually about our dynamic together.”

2. Read or listen together. Instead of sending your partner resources, suggest experiencing them together. “I found this podcast episode about desire discrepancies. Want to listen together and talk about what resonates?”

3. Schedule a conversation—with groundrules. Pick a calm time (not in bed, not after a rejection). Agree that this conversation is about understanding each other, not fixing anyone. Use “I feel” statements, not “you” accusations.

4. Consider professional help. Sometimes you need outside support to see the dynamic clearly. That’s what I do in my coaching practice—help couples shift from blame to curiosity, from “broken person” to “stuck pattern.”

Related Podcast Episodes

Related Posts

Need More Help?

If you’re recognizing this pattern in your relationship and want personalized guidance, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening in your specific situation, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. Through somatic and body-based methods, she helps couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and connection.

Top 10 Mistakes People Make with a Desire Discrepancy . . . (and What to Do Instead)

by Libido MismatchUncategorized

After years of working with couples on mismatched desire—and recording 100 episodes of my podcast on this exact topic—I’ve noticed something: the same patterns show up over and over again.

These aren’t random mistakes. They’re strategies that make perfect sense in the moment. You’re scared. You’re desperate to fix things. You’re using the only tools you know. But here’s the problem: these well-intentioned strategies backfire. They make the desire discrepancy worse instead of better.

I’ve made most of these mistakes myself. So if you recognize yourself in several of them—or all of them—don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re human. Recognizing the pattern is actually the first step toward changing it.

Here are the 10 biggest mistakes I see people make when dealing with a desire discrepancy:

1. Trying to Fix Your Partner Instead of the Dynamic

When there’s a desire discrepancy, it’s tempting to locate the problem in one person—usually the partner who wants less sex. You’re sending articles about “how to boost libido,” making doctor’s appointments, suggesting supplements.

The problem: You’re treating your partner like a broken appliance instead of recognizing you’re both caught in a relationship pattern. This creates shame, resistance, and defensiveness—the exact opposite conditions needed for desire.

What to do instead: Approach it as “our desire gap” not “your low libido problem.” Ask: “What’s happening in our dynamic that’s making desire harder for both of us?” Recognize you’re both suffering in different ways.

Read the full post: How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic →

2. Having Obligation Sex to Keep the Peace

If you’re having sex when you’re not remotely turned on—lying still, waiting for it to be over, thinking “I’ll just get it over with”—your body is registering every time you cross your own boundaries.

The problem: Obligation sex teaches your nervous system that sex equals pressure and discomfort. It builds resentment, can create physical pain, and makes future desire even less likely. Research shows women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.

What to do instead: Honor your “no” while staying engaged. Say what IS available: “Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect—how about we cuddle and talk?” Your boundaries matter.

Read the full post: Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead) →

3. Taking Rejection Personally

When your partner says no to sex and you spiral into “they don’t love me” or “I’m undesirable,” you’re making their experience all about you. This creates MORE pressure for them to say yes next time just to manage YOUR feelings—which kills their authentic desire even more.

The problem: I’ve seen cases where the entire desire discrepancy was caused by one partner catastrophizing about occasional rejections. The sulking and emotional withdrawal shut their partner’s libido down completely.

What to do instead: Practice the radical idea that their “no” is about them, not you. Their lack of desire in this moment means their body isn’t saying yes right now for THEIR reasons—stress, fatigue, needing connection first. Ask with genuine curiosity: “What’s going on for you right now?”

 

4. Believing Scheduling Intimate Time Means You’ve Failed

When you were dating, you were scheduling your dates—scheduling to be available to spend the night, bringing your toothbrush. You were scheduling sex. We just called it dating.

The problem: Holding onto the idea that “good sex” only happens spontaneously ignores how responsive desire works and how busy adult life is. Research shows scheduled intimacy can actually be BETTER because it allows for anticipation and removes surprise pressure.

What to do instead: Schedule intimate time—but don’t schedule specific activities. Schedule sexy time, connection, maybe making out. Maybe that’s all your partner’s up for, and that’s okay. Treat it like prioritizing connection, not another to-do list item.

 

5. Being Defensive About Sexual Feedback

When you can’t hear feedback without getting hurt or defensive, your partner stops trying to guide you. Sex stays mediocre forever.

The problem: Your partner says “I love when you slow down” and you hear “you’re bad at sex.” You get defensive, hurt, or shut down. Partner stops giving feedback because it’s not worth the emotional fallout. The best lovers aren’t naturally talented—they’re the ones who can HEAR what their partner needs.

What to do instead: Receive feedback as a gift. Your partner is giving you the instruction manual. When they say what they like, they’re not saying everything else was wrong—they’re showing you what makes it even BETTER. Get genuinely curious: “Tell me more about what you like.”

 

6. Making Every Touch Sexual

When every hug, kiss, or back rub becomes an attempt to initiate sex, your lower-desire partner stops wanting ANY touch. They can’t relax into affection because they’re always wondering “Is this going to turn into a request for sex?”

The problem: Physical touch becomes stressful instead of connecting. You’re training your partner to avoid you. They tense up when you touch them, bracing for initiation.

What to do instead: Rebuild non-sexual touch deliberately. Touch your partner with zero expectation: 20-second hugs, hand-holding, shoulder rubs with clothes on. Make a promise and keep it: “I’m just going to hold you—this isn’t going to turn into anything.” When touch becomes safe again, desire often returns.

 

7. Chasing Your Partner

The more you pursue, the more they retreat. It’s physics, not love. When you chase someone for sex, you create pressure. Pressure is the antithesis of desire.

The problem: You pursue harder → they withdraw further → you feel more rejected → they feel more pressured. You’re initiating constantly, bringing up your sex life all the time. They start avoiding being alone with you, going to bed at different times. You feel like you’re begging; they feel hunted.

What to do instead: Step back and give space. You can’t want something that’s chasing you. Stop initiating for a defined period (discuss this with your partner). Focus on your own wholeness instead of making your partner responsible for your emotional well-being through sex.

 

8. Not Knowing or Listening to Your Own Body

If you don’t know what feels good to you, you can’t communicate it to your partner. Many of us spend decades not knowing what actually turns us on because we’ve been trained to ignore our bodies.

The problem: You have sex but aren’t sure if you liked it. Partner asks “Does this feel good?” and you don’t actually know. You go through motions hoping to feel something. Without body awareness, desire has nowhere to land.

What to do instead: Start slowing down—way down, like 10% of your normal speed—during any sexual experience. Notice: What do I actually feel? What sensations am I having? Practice listening to your body in non-sexual contexts first: Am I hungry? Tired? What does tension feel like? Build the skill of interoception.

 

9. Expecting Only Spontaneous Desire to Be “Real”

If you believe desire should always strike out of nowhere, you’re missing how most people actually experience desire, especially in long-term relationships.

The problem: Responsive desire means arousal emerges AFTER physical connection begins, not before. Expecting spontaneity sets up responsive-desire partners to feel “wrong” or broken, when they’re actually completely normal. Research shows 70%+ of people experience desire this way.

What to do instead: Honor responsive desire as completely legitimate. “I wasn’t thinking about sex until we started kissing, and THEN I got really into it” is normal and valid. Create conditions where responsive desire can emerge: emotional connection, feeling safe, time to warm up. Stop waiting to “be in the mood”—sometimes it comes after you start.

 

10. Believing Someone Is Broken

If you believe the lower-desire partner is “broken” and needs fixing, or the higher-desire partner is “too needy,” you create shame. Shame shuts down vulnerability, communication, and connection.

The problem: Mismatched desire is THE most common sexual challenge in long-term relationships. Research suggests it’s present in 80% of long-term relationships at some point. It’s not evidence of dysfunction—it’s evidence you’re human.

What to do instead: Normalize the gap. Neither partner is broken. Both experiences are valid. The work isn’t about fixing anyone—it’s about learning to honor both sets of needs, create safety, and build a sex life that works for both of you.

 

What Now?

Pick one mistake. Just one. The one that feels most relevant, most urgent, or most like “oh, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” Don’t try to fix everything at once.

Click through to read the full post on whichever mistake resonates most. Each one includes deeper insights, specific examples, and actionable steps you can take today.

And if you’re tired of being stuck in these patterns—if you want personalized help figuring out what YOUR relationship specifically needs—I offer free consultation calls. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Your desire gap is not evidence that someone is broken. It’s not proof your relationship is doomed. It’s a common challenge that has solutions—but those solutions require you to stop doing the things that backfire and start doing things differently.

Listen to the full episode: This post is based on Episode 100 of The Desire Gap Podcast, where I dive even deeper into each of these mistakes with real examples from my coaching practice.

Related resources:

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach and host of The Desire Gap Podcast. She specializes in helping couples navigate desire discrepancies using somatic and body-based methods, serving both partners equally without blame or shame.