147: I’m So Tired of Waiting for My Partner to Want Me
What do you do when you’re always the one initiating sex, and you’ve started to dread reaching out? This episode is for anyone who is tired of waiting for their partner to want sex, and it starts with the belief that keeps most people stuck: that the fix belongs entirely to the other person. You […]
146: When the News Is Full of Sexual Violence: Rage, Loss of Desire, and Men’s Silence
A listener wrote in asking how to bring her male partner into her emotional experience of the sexual violence in the news. Especially without having to teach him everything first. I think many of you may have a similar question. So I made you an episode. When sexual violence dominates the headlines, a lot of […]
145: When Nothing Has Worked to Fix Your Sex Life: How to Build Hope Again
When nothing has worked to fix your sex life, it’s easy to decide nothing will. You’ve tried a few things, they didn’t help, and so you stop trying. I understand why. But that conclusion is a belief, not a fact, and it’s the belief that keeps people stuck in their relationships and sex lives for […]
144: Autism and Sex: Nothing About You Is a Problem
This episode is about autism and sex, autism and intimacy, and the myths that keep autistic people from seeing what they bring to relationships. It's the first in a series on autism and relationships. A pattern I see in my work with autistic clients and their partners is that they come to me sure that […]
143: Sex After Divorce and Purity Culture: How Amber Let Go of Sexual Shame
“I want to create a relationship with my body, my mind, pleasure and intimacy that is rooted in my values & freedom, without guilt or shame. I want to have sex with someone I'm not married to and not feel dirty or immoral the next day.” That's what my client Amber wrote on her intake […]
142: How to Last Longer in Bed: What It Really Takes
If you want to last longer in bed, the stopwatch is probably not your biggest problem. Most men who orgasm faster than they want to are carrying performance anxiety, and it shows up as tension in the pelvic floor, tension in the whole body, and a habit of pulling away from the person they're with. […]
141: How to Initiate Sex With a Responsive Desire Partner
If you ask your partner “do you want to have sex?” and they say no almost every time, the problem might not be desire. Seriously. It's the question. Responsive desire doesn't show up to that question. It shows up in response to something tangible happening that enables desire. So if nothing has happened yet, there's […]
140: Your Superpowers: Building Sexual Confidence From What You Already Do Well
You know what you struggle with in bed, and you're probably pretty hard on yourself about it. But if I ask what you're good at, do you go blank? Focusing on our deficits is just what brains do, but it costs us more than we think. You're not broken, and you are not starting from […]
139: The Worth Wound: Why You’re Attracted to People Who Don’t Want You
I used to break up with the good ones. The kind, available, clearly-into-me ones. Not because I got bored. Because it made my skin crawl. I knew it was bad for me, but I didn't fully understand why I felt that way until I learned to feel worthy, twenty years later. This is the final […]
138: Sexual Rejection vs Saying No
Sexual rejection is the withdrawal of connection: turning away, going cold, disappearing. A no is just information about this moment. Most of us have collapsed those into one thing, which is why saying no feels impossible and hearing it feels like a verdict on your worth. They are two completely different things to express. Once […]