BDSM negotiation: what happens when you skip it, and how to do it right
There’s a version of BDSM negotiation that gets taught as homework: sit down with a checklist, compare your yes/no/maybe lists. Maybe you even write up a contract, file it somewhere. It sounds organized. It also sounds like the least sexy thing imaginable, which is probably why so many couples skip it — or do a […]
Why ‘Love Should Be Effortless’ Is Ruining Your Relationship
I’m going to ask you something that may be uncomfortable: What are you willing to invest in your most important relationship? I’m talking about real investment. Time, money, effort, and attention. The whole deal. That’s what “doing the work” actually means. And I know some of you are already thinking: “Laura, shouldn’t love be free? […]
How to Stop Taking Sexual Rejection Personally
If you’re the higher-desire partner, this one’s for you. When your partner says no to sex and you immediately spiral into “they don’t love me,” “I’m undesirable,” or “our relationship is doomed”—you’re making their experience all about you. And while I understand why (sexual rejection hurts), this response creates a massive problem. When you catastrophize […]
Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)
Let me be direct about this: If you’re having obligation sex, you are harming yourself and your relationship. I know that sounds harsh. And I say it with compassion, because I understand why you’re doing it. I’ve been there. You don’t want to disappoint your partner. You don’t want to deal with their hurt feelings […]
How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic
This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies. When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only […]