I’m going to ask you something that may be uncomfortable: What are you willing to invest in your most important relationship?
I’m talking about real investment. Time, money, effort, and attention. The whole deal. That’s what “doing the work” actually means.
And I know some of you are already thinking: “Laura, shouldn’t love be free? Shouldn’t relationships just work naturally if they’re meant to be?”
I totally get where you’re coming from. We’ve been fed this narrative that if you need help with your relationship, something is fundamentally wrong. That good relationships should be effortless. That needing to work on intimacy means you’re somehow not compatible.
That’s bullshit. And it’s keeping people stuck in mediocre relationships when they could be experiencing something truly fulfilling.
The Lie We’ve All Been Sold
Here’s the reality: We live in a culture that gives us absolutely terrible relationship advice.
The media we consume—movies, TV shows, porn—teaches us that passion happens magically and instantly. That communication should be intuitive. That relationship problems are always solved with a grand gesture (and then it’s “happily ever after”). That great sex requires no learning or practice. That everyone orgasms in 2.5 seconds easily, together, while gazing into each other’s eyes. Total B.S.
Meanwhile, we’re also living in a culture that’s deeply uncomfortable with sexuality. That shames women’s desire and shames men for not being stoic performers. That tells us talking about what we want is inappropriate and doesn’t help us actually learn what we want or how to talk about it.
So here we are, expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with no guidance, no education, and a bunch of harmful myths.
Does that make any sense?
We wouldn’t expect someone to become a great musician without lessons or a skilled surgeon without training. But somehow we think we should just know how to create deep intimacy and satisfying sexual connection. We’re literally the most complex, socially sexual animal on the planet, and we’re supposed to figure this out on our own.
The expectation is completely unrealistic.
What Happens When We Believe The Myth
Here’s what I see over and over: People struggle. Couples hit walls. Desire fades. Communication breaks down.
And instead of getting help, people think there’s something wrong with them or their relationship. “It’s broken, can’t be fixed.” “I’m broken, I can’t be fixed.” “My partner is broken, they can’t be fixed.” Or maybe, “If we were really meant to be together, this wouldn’t be so hard.”
Let me tell you something really true from actual experience working with tons of people: The people I work with are not broken. Whether they’re individuals or couples, they are not broken.
They are normal. They are smart, capable people who excel in all kinds of ways in their lives. They just need support in this particular area.
And honestly? I have so much respect for people who are willing to invest in their relationships. Because it’s smart.
Why Your Relationship Deserves Investment
We know from research that healthy relationships literally change your brain and your body in measurable ways.
There’s MRI scan evidence that people in loving relationships have different patterns of brain activity. Being in a fulfilling relationship is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, better immune function, improved cardiovascular health, and even increased longevity.
(And this doesn’t mean you can’t be single. This can also be true for really loving close friendships. I’m talking about your most intimate emotional connections—the ones where you get physical affection.)
Your relationship quality is one of the biggest predictors of your overall happiness and health. In fact, it’s the biggest predictor in most studies. Not your job success. Not your bank account. Not what kind of car you drive or handbag you carry. Not your body size. Your relationships.
So if that’s true, doesn’t it make sense to invest in that area of our lives?
The Investment Paradox
Here’s what’s wild: Most of us spend thousands of dollars a year on our physical health—gym memberships, fancy health food, medical care. We invest in our careers through education, networking, skill development. We spend money on our homes, our cars, our hobbies.
But when it comes to our most important relationship—the one that affects our daily happiness and well-being more than anything else—we hesitate to invest.
Why is that?
I think it’s partly because we’ve been taught that needing help means we’re failing. That love should somehow conquer all without any effort or skill. That’s the line we get fed in the media, in movies, in books.
But I also think it’s because we don’t really understand what’s at stake when your intimate relationship is struggling.
It doesn’t just affect your Saturday night. If you’ve been there, you know: it affects your sleep, your stress levels, your confidence, your ability to show up in other areas of your life. It affects your kids if you have them—they’re learning about relationships by watching you. It affects your friendships, your work, your health. Everything.
And on the flip side, when your intimate relationships are thriving, it enhances everything else. You feel more confident, more resilient, more capable of handling whatever life throws at you. You have a secure base to come home to—a person who really sees and supports you, who you know in your soul you can work things out with if you have troubles.
That’s not just nice to have. It’s life-changing. It’s health-changing.
What Investment Actually Looks Like
So what does investing in your relationship actually mean?
It might mean:
- Getting coaching when you hit rough patches, instead of just hoping things will get better on their own
- Taking a workshop together on communication
- Actually having conversations about intimacy instead of avoiding them
- Scheduling and following through on regular date nights and weekly relationship check-ins—and protecting that time instead of letting everything else take priority
- Putting effort into finding your own desire so you’re not just making it your partner’s job to turn you on all the time
- Having awkward conversations about sex instead of avoiding them
- Reading books together about relationships
- Making space in your budget for things that support your connection—whether that’s childcare so you can have alone time, or a weekend retreat, or whatever works for your situation
I had a client who recently said something that gave me the inspiration for this whole conversation: “We spend more money on our lawn care than we do on our relationship.”
When she said it out loud, she realized how backwards that was. They’d been willing for years to pay someone to keep their grass healthy, but they thought their marriage should just maintain itself.
Investment Doesn’t Always Mean Money
I want to be clear: I’m not saying throw money at your relationship problems, or that expensive equals better.
You can create incredible intimacy with really thoughtful investments. Some of the most powerful relationship work actually comes through daily practices, honest conversations, and consistent attention to each other.
But sometimes you need help figuring out how to do some of those things in a way that works. That’s where coaching, therapy, workshops, or courses come in. But that’s not right for everybody, and that’s okay. There are other ways to invest.
What I am saying is this: Your relationship deserves the same level of intentionality and investment that you give to other important areas of your life.
If you want a great relationship to take into your future with you, you’ve got to invest in it—just like if you want a retirement account later in life, you’ve got to invest in it.
It deserves your best effort, not your leftovers.
The Preventative Maintenance Approach
Here’s something I see so much: The couples who are willing to invest in their relationship early—who get help before things are actually really problematic—usually need less help overall.
Take your car in for an oil change and you probably won’t need to get the head gasket replaced. It’s like getting preventative healthcare instead of waiting for a crisis.
Figure out how to strengthen your connection now, when it’s not a huge problem. Figure out how to do relationship repair before you have this huge closet full of resentments that you’re terrified to open.
Because good intimacy is a skill. Communication is a skill. Creating and maintaining desire in a long-term relationship—that’s a skill. And all of them can be learned and improved with the right guidance and practice, just like any skills.
I know this because I used to be totally awful at communication and intimacy. Yep. Really, really bad. Then I learned step by step. Now I’m really great at it.
Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to master a sport without coaching or become fluent in a language without study and practice, there’s no way you should intuitively know how to navigate complex emotional and sexual dynamics with another human being without help.
Why We Don’t Know How To Do This
The reality is most of us learned about relationships from watching our parents, who learned from watching their parents, and so on. And a lot of what got passed down isn’t particularly healthy or effective.
That, on top of all those mixed messages and harmful messages from culture and media—and then we’re often trying to figure stuff out in times of stress or conflict. It’s no wonder people struggle.
So it’s really understandable to need help. And whatever the right support is for you, most relationship challenges are absolutely workable, especially if you get an outside perspective and get some help.
A lot of couples who think they’re doomed just discover that they need some new tools or perspectives.
And I want to be honest: Some couples actually discover the best thing for them is to split, and they just need help finding clarity and navigating that. That’s valid too.
The Question That Changes Everything
Here’s what I want you to consider:
What would change in your life if your most intimate relationship was thriving?
If you felt deeply seen and supported. If you had amazing communication and incredibly satisfying intimacy. If you felt like a team tackling life together.
What would that be worth to you? What would you be willing to invest—in terms of time, effort, and money—in creating that?
Because it’s absolutely possible. It’s possible for you. It just probably will require some intentional effort and some actual investment.
Your Relationships Are Not The Place To Cut Corners
Our relationships are not the place to skimp. They’re too important for your well-being and your happiness. They deserve our best effort, our attention, our investment.
So if you’re one of the people who’ve been on the fence about getting help for your relationship, or having difficult conversations, or making time for connection a real priority—I want to encourage you to take that next step. Whatever that step is for you.
Your future self will thank you.
And I want to invite you to really think about this: How much would you be willing to invest to have the most amazing, supportive, deeply fulfilling, open and honest connection possible for you in this life?
That’s what I want for you.
Related Posts
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make with Desire Discrepancies
- How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic
- Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship
Listen to the Full Episode
This post is based on an episode of The Desire Gap Podcast. Listen for even more depth, examples, and context on why this myth is so damaging.
Need Help Taking That Next Step?
If you’re ready to invest in your relationship but aren’t sure where to start, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening for you and what kind of support would actually help.
Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire gaps and the creator of The Desire Bridge MethodTM. She helps individuals and couples invest in what matters most—creating deeply fulfilling, authentic intimate connections.