If you’re dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex.
But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples—there’s so much more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together.
Most higher-desire partners think they just want sex. Most lower-desire partners think they just don’t want sex. But when I start asking deeper questions, what emerges is so much more nuanced, so much more useful, and so much more addressable than “I want it” or “I don’t want it.”
So as we head into a new year, I want to walk you through the questions both partners need to ask themselves. These aren’t the end of your exploration—they’re the starting point. But they’re powerful starting points that can shift everything.
Special Note: Some of the questions that I’m starting with here – “What do you want when you do want sex?” and “What do you not want when you don’t want sex?” – are highlighted in the wonderful Emily Nagoski’s latest book, Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. I highly recommend it—Emily’s work is de-shaming, science-based, and genuinely helpful. It won’t solve your desire gap on its own, but it’s a valuable addition as you do the deeper work, and will give you some great perspective.
If you’re working with a good coach or therapist, they are always going to ask some version of these questions. It’s because we know that helping you dig deeper into what YOU, as the unique individual you are, actually want, beyond orgasm is critical.
Seriously, these questions are KEY. What you actually are seeking in desire (or lack of it) has so many layers. Truly understanding the deeper layers of what you want or don’t want is absolutely fundamental to having a great sex life. Chances are you’ll need professional support to uncover all of those layers, but the questions here will get you started if you really take the time to reflect.
For Higher-Desire Partners: What Do You Really Want When You Want Sex?
If you’re the higher-desire partner, I want you to pause and really think about this. When you want sex, what are you actually wanting?
And before you answer “sex” or “an orgasm,” let me push you further. Because here’s the thing: if all you wanted was an orgasm, you could take care of that yourself. So what is it you’re really seeking?
The Questions to Explore
Are you seeking to feel wanted or desired?
Is it the validation that your partner finds you attractive? Is the wanting itself what you’re craving—the feeling of being pursued, needed, chosen? For many people, the desire to be desired is actually stronger than the desire for the physical act itself.
Are you trying to feel worthy or loved?
Have you tied your sense of worthiness to whether your partner wants to have sex with you? Is sex the primary way you know you’re loved? If your partner says yes to sex, does it mean you’re valuable? If they say no, does it mean you’re not?
This is really common, and it puts enormous pressure on both of you. Your worth as a human being cannot hinge on whether your partner wants sex in any given moment.
Are you using sex for emotional regulation?
Are you using sex to manage stress, anxiety, or difficult emotions? Is it a distraction from worries or feelings you don’t want to deal with? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, more settled after sex?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this—sex can be soothing and connecting. But if it’s your only or primary tool for managing difficult emotions, that’s a problem. Your partner will feel the weight of being responsible for your emotional well-being, and that pressure kills desire.
Are you seeking reassurance that your relationship is okay?
When your partner says yes to sex, does it mean everything is fine between you? When they say no, does it trigger panic that the relationship is failing? Are you using sex as a barometer for relationship health?
If sex is your primary measure of whether things are okay, every “no” becomes an existential threat. And that creates massive pressure for your partner to say yes just to keep you from spiraling.
Are you craving physical sensation and connection?
Do you genuinely crave the feeling of someone else’s skin on yours? The physical closeness, the touch, the intimacy of bodies together? Is it about sharing pleasure, experiencing sensation, feeling connected through your body?
Is it about expressing or receiving love?
Is sex how you show love or how you feel most loved? Is it your primary love language? When you’re having sex with your partner, do you feel like you’re giving them a gift of love, or receiving one?
Why This Matters
Once you know what you’re really seeking, two important things happen:
- You can find other ways to meet that need when sex isn’t available.
If you need reassurance, you can ask for it directly: “I’m feeling disconnected—can we talk?” If you need physical touch, you can ask for non-sexual affection. If you need to feel desired, you can explore what else makes you feel that way—compliments, eye contact, your partner initiating conversation or dates.
- You understand the pressure you might be putting on your partner.
If you’re using sex to manage your anxiety, your partner feels that. If you can’t feel worthy or loved any other way, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else’s libido. Many people don’t want to have sex with someone who needs it for emotional regulation or validation—it feels like too much pressure, like their body has to be a tool for someone else’s well-being.
I’m not saying these needs are wrong. They’re human. But if sex is the ONLY way you’re meeting these needs, that’s a problem for both you and your partner.
Your Action Step
Sit with this question: What do I really want when I want sex?
Get out a piece of paper or open a notes app. Write down everything that comes up. Be honest. Don’t judge yourself. Just get curious.
You might discover:
- “I want to feel like my partner still finds me attractive”
- “I want reassurance that we’re okay”
- “I want to feel calm and grounded”
- “I want to connect and feel close”
- “I want to feel desired and pursued”
All of these are valid. The goal is just to know what’s really driving your desire so you can work with it consciously instead of unconsciously putting pressure on your partner.
For Lower-Desire Partners: What Are You Really Trying to Avoid?
Now, if you’re the lower-desire partner, understanding what you want and what you don’t want is equally important. It’s essential to know what you DO want when you actually do want sex. So ask yourself all the same questions above. But for you, we also really want to know this: What are you trying to avoid when you don’t want sex?
This is where the gold is. Because most people focus on “why don’t I want sex?” But that’s often the wrong question. The better question is: “What is it about sex—or the context around sex—that I don’t want?”
The Questions to Explore
Are you avoiding specific physical sensations?
Which sensations specifically? Penetration? Certain kinds of touch? Speed? Pressure? Does something hurt? Feel uncomfortable? Overwhelming? Boring?
Have you actually tuned in to what your body is experiencing during sex, or are you just checked out? Many people have been having sex while dissociated for so long that they don’t even know what they’re actually feeling.
Are memories intruding?
Do past experiences come up during sex? Are there associations with sex that feel unsafe or uncomfortable? Does sex trigger anxiety or trauma responses?
Even if you don’t have clear traumatic memories, your body might be responding to things your conscious mind doesn’t remember. Pay attention to what comes up.
Are you dealing with judgments about yourself?
Are you thinking “I should be into this” or “What’s wrong with me?” Are you worried about how your body looks, smells, sounds? Are you performing instead of feeling? Are you watching yourself from outside your body, critiquing your performance?
Are you dealing with judgments about your partner?
Are there resentments that come up during sex? Do you feel pressure, obligation, or guilt? Are you angry or hurt about something unrelated to sex that makes being vulnerable and intimate feel impossible?
Are certain emotions arising that you want to avoid?
What feelings come up when your partner initiates? Dread? Guilt? Pressure? Anxiety? Do you feel like you’re failing or disappointing them? Do you shut down emotionally to get through it?
Is it about lack of context or safety?
Does the timing feel wrong? The environment? Your stress level? Do you need more emotional connection first? Is your nervous system not in a place where pleasure is even possible?
Maybe you need to feel seen and heard in conversation before you can be vulnerable physically. Maybe you need to not be exhausted. Maybe you need the house to be clean, the kids to be asleep, and your to-do list to be manageable.
Is it the obligation or expectation?
Does sex feel like a chore, a duty, something you “should” do? Are you saying yes when your body is saying no? Has sex become associated with pressure instead of pleasure?
If you’ve been having obligation sex, your body has learned that sex equals discomfort and disconnection. Of course you don’t want it.
Why This Matters
When you know what you’re actually avoiding, you can:
- Communicate it to your partner.
“I’m not avoiding sex with you, I’m avoiding [the specific thing]” is so much clearer and less hurtful than “I just don’t want sex.” It helps your partner understand this isn’t about them or their desirability.
- Start addressing the actual problem.
If it’s physical discomfort, you can work on that—different positions, more foreplay, lubricant, pelvic floor therapy. If it’s emotional safety, you can build that through communication and rebuilding trust. If it’s context, you can change that—different timing, different setting, different approach.
- Reclaim your own desire.
When you remove what you’re avoiding, space opens up for what you actually want. Your authentic desire has room to emerge. You might discover you do want sexual connection—just not the kind you’ve been having.
Also Important: What DO You Want?
It’s equally useful to explore: When you DO want sex, what is it you’re wanting?
Connection? Pleasure? Playfulness? Feeling desired? Feeling powerful? Losing yourself? Finding yourself? Feeling alive in your body?
Knowing what lights you up helps you communicate that to your partner and create more of it. You can start building a sex life based on what you actually want, not what you think you should want.
Your Action Step
Sit with this question: What am I really trying to avoid when I don’t want sex?
Get specific. Write it down. Be brutally honest with yourself. No shame. Just curiosity.
You might discover:
- “I’m avoiding the pressure I feel to perform”
- “I’m avoiding physical sensations that hurt or feel uncomfortable”
- “I’m avoiding feeling like my body is just a tool for someone else’s needs”
- “I’m avoiding the guilt and inadequacy I feel when I can’t get aroused”
- “I’m avoiding touch because every touch has become a potential initiation”
All of these point to real, addressable problems. Once you know what you’re avoiding, you can start working on it.
The Power of Better Questions: Stop Asking Yourself Crappy Questions
Here’s something really important about how your brain works: it will seek answers to whatever questions you ask it.
If you ask yourself “Why am I so stupid?” your brain will give you five reasons you’re stupid. If you ask “Why am I such a terrible partner?” your brain will compile evidence for that too.
Your brain isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s just doing its job. It’s a pattern-finding machine. You give it a question, it finds patterns and answers.
So if you’re asking yourself crappy, disempowering questions, you’re going to get crappy, disempowering answers. And then you’ll feel terrible because your brain just confirmed all your worst fears about yourself.
Examples of Crappy Questions
- Why am I so broken?
- What’s wrong with me that I don’t want sex?
- Why can’t I just be normal?
- Why am I so needy/frigid/demanding/difficult?
- Why doesn’t my partner want me anymore?
- Why can’t I do anything right?
These questions are shame-based, judgment-filled, and disempowering. And they make you feel like garbage.
Ask Better Questions Instead
What if, instead, you asked yourself curious, judgment-free, empowering questions?
Examples of better questions:
- What do I really want when I want sex?
- What am I trying to avoid when I don’t want sex?
- What would help me feel more connected to my body?
- What do I need to feel safe enough for desire to emerge?
- How can I honor both my needs and my partner’s needs? (Pro tip: this does not mean having sex when you don’t want to – your partner doesn’t need sex, but they may have an emotional need for connection that you can honor)
- What’s one small thing that would make physical affection feel better to me?
- What does my body need right now?
- How can I show up more authentically in this relationship?
The difference: These questions are curious. They’re open. They assume you’re capable of figuring things out. They don’t start from a place of shame or brokenness—they start from a place of “there’s something to learn here.”
And when you ask yourself these kinds of questions, your brain goes to work finding useful answers instead of just confirming your worst beliefs about yourself.
An Invitation for 2026: Ask Better, More Empowering Questions
As we head into the new year, here’s what I want you to commit to: Ask yourself more curious, judgment-free, empowering questions.
Step 1: Awareness
Take a moment right now and write down:
- What are the crappy, disempowering questions I regularly ask myself?
- How do I feel when I ask myself these questions?
Just notice. Don’t judge yourself for judging yourself (that’s meta-judgment and it doesn’t help). Just observe the pattern.
Step 2: Replacement
For each crappy question you identified, write a better version:
- Instead of “Why am I so broken?” → “What do I need to heal?”
- Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” → “What’s really going on for me?”
- Instead of “Why doesn’t my partner want me?” → “What does my partner need to feel closer to me?”
Step 3: Practice
This won’t happen overnight. You’ll catch yourself asking crappy questions—we all do. When you notice it, pause:
- “Oh, there I go again asking myself why I’m so [whatever].”
- “What’s a better question I could ask instead?”
- Reframe in real time.
Over time, this becomes a habit. And it changes everything.
The Big Takeaway
These questions aren’t the end—they’re the starting point.
For higher-desire partners: Understanding what you really want when you want sex helps you find other ways to meet those needs and removes pressure from your partner.
For lower-desire partners: Understanding what you’re really trying to avoid when you don’t want sex helps you address the actual problem instead of just feeling broken.
For everyone: Asking yourself better questions—curious, judgment-free, empowering questions—will give you better answers and help you feel better too.
When both partners do this work—when you both get curious about yourselves without judgment—you create the foundation for real conversation, real understanding, and real change.
You’re not broken. Your relationship isn’t doomed. You’re just asking questions that haven’t served you yet.
Let’s ask better questions together.
Related Posts
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make with Desire Discrepancies
- How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic
- Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship
- How to Stop Taking Sexual Rejection Personally
Listen to the Podcast Episode
This post is based on an episode of The Desire Gap Podcast. Listen to the full episode for even more depth and examples.
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Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. She helps individuals and couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and authentic connection using somatic, body-based methods.