Let me be direct about this: If you’re having obligation sex, you are harming yourself and your relationship.
I know that sounds harsh. And I say it with compassion, because I understand why you’re doing it. I’ve been there. You don’t want to disappoint your partner. You don’t want to deal with their hurt feelings or their moping or their withdrawal. You’re hoping that if you just say yes, maybe you’ll get into it. You’re trying to be a “good partner.”
But here’s what’s actually happening: you’re teaching your body that sex is something to endure, not enjoy. And that has serious consequences.
What Obligation Sex Looks Like
You might be having obligation sex if you recognize any of these:
- Thinking “I’ll just get it over with so they stop asking”
- Having sex when you’re not remotely turned on, hoping you’ll “get into it” eventually
- Continuing even when you don’t get into it
- Performing enthusiasm you don’t feel
- Lying still and waiting for it to be over
- Saying yes to avoid disappointing your partner or dealing with their emotional reaction
- Feeling relieved when it’s finished
- Experiencing physical pain or difficulty with arousal because your body is saying no even though your mouth said yes
If any of this resonates, please keep reading. This is important.
Why Obligation Sex Is So Harmful
Your body registers every time you cross your own boundaries.
When you have sex you don’t want, your nervous system is paying attention. It notices: “We’re doing something uncomfortable. We’re not safe right now. We’re ignoring our own signals.”
Over time, this teaches your nervous system that:
- Sex = pressure and discomfort
- Your needs don’t matter
- Your partner is not actually safe
- Saying yes doesn’t mean you’re actually consenting—it means you’re managing someone else’s emotions
This creates a cascade of problems:
1. It builds resentment. You cannot do things you don’t want to do for someone else without building resentment. That’s the recipe. Put two and two together and you get four—the four is the resentment. There’s no way around it.
2. It makes future desire less likely. Your body learns that sex is associated with discomfort and disconnection. Why would your body want more of that? It won’t. Your libido will tank further as a protective mechanism.
3. It can create physical pain. If your body isn’t wanting or ready for sex, you can experience pain, numbness, difficulty with arousal, or even injury. Your body needs arousal for comfortable sex—forcing it creates problems.
4. It increases emotional detachment. Research shows that women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment from their partners and decreased relationship satisfaction. You’re creating distance, not connection.
5. It teaches your partner the wrong thing. When you say yes but your body is saying no, your partner learns they can’t trust your yes. They’re having sex with someone who’s not fully present. That’s not intimacy—it’s performance.
The Research on Duty Sex
Studies on “duty sex” or “maintenance sex” consistently show negative outcomes:
- Increased emotional detachment from partners
- Decreased relationship satisfaction
- Higher rates of sexual dysfunction over time
- Lower overall sexual desire
- Increased likelihood of sexual pain disorders
In other words: the very thing you’re doing to “keep the peace” is actually destroying your sexual connection and your relationship satisfaction.
Why You’re Doing It (And Why That Makes Sense)
If obligation sex is so harmful, why do people do it?
Because you care about your partner. Because you don’t want them to feel rejected. Because you’re afraid of conflict or their emotional withdrawal. Because you think it’s your duty as a partner. Because you hope it will prevent your relationship from falling apart.
These are all understandable reasons. You’re trying to take care of your relationship. You’re trying to be loving. The problem is that the strategy backfires.
Most higher-desire partners, if they truly understood what was happening, would rather you honor your boundaries than build resentment. They want you to WANT them, not just go through the motions.
What to Do Instead: Honoring Your No While Staying Engaged
Here’s the key: You can set a boundary AND still show love and connection.
The formula:
- Honor your “no” to what you’re not available for
- Offer what you ARE available for
- Make sure whatever you offer genuinely feels okay to YOU
This looks like:
“Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect with you. How about we cuddle and talk?”
“I’m not up for intercourse tonight, but I’d love to make out with you if that sounds good to you.”
“I’m feeling really touched out today, but I’d love to hold hands while we watch a movie together.”
“I’m not in a place for sex right now, but could we take a bath together?”
The crucial part: Whatever you offer must genuinely feel good to you. Don’t offer making out if making out feels like pressure. Don’t offer cuddling if you need space. Your offer should feel like connection and pleasure to you, not like a consolation prize you’re forcing yourself to give.
What If You’re Not Available for Anything Physical?
Sometimes you’re not available for any physical connection. That’s okay too. You can still stay engaged emotionally:
“I know we’re both wanting more connection lately. I’m not in a place for physical intimacy tonight, but I’d love to talk about what we could plan for this weekend when I’m less exhausted.”
“I need some alone time tonight to recharge, but I’m looking forward to connecting tomorrow. Thank you for understanding.”
The key is: you’re not shutting down the conversation or the relationship. You’re just being honest about what you’re available for right now.
How to Have This Conversation
If you’ve been having obligation sex and want to stop, you need to have a conversation with your partner. Here’s how:
Pick a neutral time. Not in bed. Not right after they’ve initiated. Not when either of you is upset. Pick a calm moment when you’re both rested. It’s great if you can schedule it in advance.
Use “I” statements. “I’ve realized I’ve been saying yes to sex sometimes when I’m not actually wanting it, and I need to stop doing that. It’s creating resentment and making my desire worse.”
Explain why this is good for both of you. “I want us to only have sex when we’re both truly into it. That means sometimes I’m going to say no. But when I say yes, you’ll know I really mean it. And I think that will be so much better for both of us.”
Reassure them. “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or find you attractive. It means I want our sex life to be based on authentic desire, not obligation.”
Offer alternatives. “When I’m not available for sex, I’ll try to offer other ways we can connect that feel good to me. But I need you to be okay with hearing my no without punishing me for it.”
What If Your Partner Reacts Badly?
Some partners will understand immediately. Others might feel defensive, hurt, or panicked. That’s understandable—this might feel threatening to them.
If your partner reacts badly:
Stay calm and compassionate. “I understand this is hard to hear. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to make our relationship better.”
Don’t back down. Your boundaries matter. If your partner can’t handle you having boundaries around your own body, that’s a relationship problem that needs addressing.
Consider professional help. If you can’t navigate this conversation on your own, a couples therapist or coach can help mediate. I do this work in my practice.
The Relief on the Other Side
When you stop having obligation sex, here’s what often happens:
For the lower-desire partner:
- Immediate relief from pressure
- Space to discover what you actually want
- Reconnection with your own body and desires
- Rebuilding trust with yourself
- Often, over time, the return of authentic desire
For the higher-desire partner:
- Initial discomfort, but then relief that they’re no longer having sex with someone who’s just going through the motions
- Clarity about when their partner is genuinely into it
- Often, better quality sex when it does happen
- Rebuilding trust in their partner’s yes
- A genuine chance for your partner to recover authentic interest in sex with you
For the relationship:
- More authentic connection
- Less resentment
- Better communication
- Foundation for rebuilding genuine desire
Your Next Steps
1. Make the decision. Commit to yourself: I will no longer have sex I don’t want.
2. Prepare the conversation. Think through what you want to say to your partner. Write it down if that helps.
3. Have the conversation. Pick a good time and be honest. (Listen to this podcast episode for help with when and how to talk about sex)
4. Practice your boundaries. Start saying no when you mean no. Start offering alternatives that feel good to you.
5. Notice what happens in your body. As you stop crossing your boundaries, pay attention to how your body responds. You might be surprised at what emerges.
6. Get support if needed. This isn’t always easy to navigate alone. Book a consultation if you want help.
Related Posts
- How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic →
- Back to: The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make with Desire Discrepancies →
Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. She helps individuals and couples shift from obligation and pressure to authentic desire and genuine connection.