This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies.
When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only they would just want sex more, everything would be fine, right?
Wrong.
And I say this with compassion, because I understand the impulse. When you’re the higher-desire partner, it genuinely feels like your partner’s lack of desire is the problem. When you’re the lower-desire partner, you might even believe you’re broken and need fixing.
But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples: treating this as a “broken person” problem instead of a “stuck dynamic” problem makes everything worse.
What This Mistake Looks Like
You might be making this mistake if you’re:
- Sending your partner articles or podcast episodes about “how to boost libido” without them asking
- Making doctor’s appointments for them to get their hormones checked
- Suggesting supplements, books, or therapists to “fix” their low sex drive
- Saying things like “You need to figure out what’s wrong with your libido”
- Thinking “If only you would just want sex more, we’d be fine”
- Researching “low libido solutions” and presenting them to your partner
If you’re the lower-desire partner, this mistake might look like:
- Thinking of yourself as broken or defective
- Feeling like a project that needs to be fixed
- Taking on the entire responsibility for “solving” the desire gap
- Believing something is medically or psychologically wrong with you
- Feeling shame about not wanting sex as often as your partner
Why This Approach Backfires
When you treat your partner like a broken appliance that needs repairing, you create:
Shame. Nothing kills desire faster than feeling defective or inadequate. When the lower-desire partner feels like they’re broken, their nervous system registers this as unsafe. And desire cannot emerge in conditions of shame and unsafety.
Defensiveness. When someone feels attacked or criticized (even if that’s not your intention), they become defensive. Defensive people don’t open up—they shut down.
Resistance. The more you push someone to change, the more they dig in their heels. This is basic human psychology. Nobody wants to be someone’s fix-it project.
Pressure. When you’re constantly trying to “solve” your partner’s libido, they feel pressured. Pressure is the antithesis of desire. You cannot pressure someone into wanting you.
All of these create the exact opposite conditions needed for desire to emerge. Desire needs safety, openness, playfulness, and connection. “Fixing” your partner creates danger, defensiveness, resistance, and distance.
The Paradigm Shift That Changes Everything
Here’s the fundamental truth: This is not a “broken person” problem. This is a “stuck dynamic” problem.
You’re both caught in a relationship pattern. Neither of you is doing this on purpose. Both of you are suffering—just in different ways. One of you is feeling rejected and undesired. The other is feeling pressured and inadequate.
When you shift from “your low libido is the problem” to “our dynamic is creating challenges for both of us,” everything changes. It opens the possibility for collaborative problem-solving instead of blame.
What to Do Instead: The “Our Dynamic” Approach
1. Change your language from “you” to “we”
Instead of: “You need to work on your libido” Try: “I think we need to look at what’s happening in our relationship that’s making intimacy harder”
Instead of: “What’s wrong with you that you don’t want sex?” Try: “What’s happening between us that’s making desire difficult?”
This might sound like just semantics, but it’s actually fundamentally important. Language shapes how we think about problems—and how we approach solutions.
2. Get curious about both of your roles
Both partners contribute to the dynamic. Yes, both. Even if it feels like only one person “has the problem.”
Questions to explore:
- How might the higher-desire partner be creating pressure (even unintentionally)?
- How might the lower-desire partner be avoiding difficult conversations?
- What’s each person doing that might be making desire harder for the other?
- What unmet needs does each person have?
3. Recognize you’re both suffering
The higher-desire partner is experiencing: rejection, loneliness, feeling undesired, anxiety about the relationship, frustration, sometimes even grief over the loss of physical intimacy.
The lower-desire partner is experiencing: pressure, guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety about disappointing their partner, sometimes even dread around touch.
Both sets of feelings are valid. Both partners are struggling. This isn’t about whose pain is “worse”—it’s about recognizing you’re both in pain, just in different ways.
4. Approach it as teammates, not opponents
You’re not on opposite sides of this problem. You’re on the same team, facing a challenge together. The challenge is the desire gap—not each other.
Ask: “How can WE create conditions where both of us feel good about our intimate connection?”
What This Looks Like in Practice
Instead of researching “low libido fixes” for your partner, research desire discrepancies in relationships. Learn about how common this is (research suggests 80% of long-term relationships experience it at some point). Learn about responsive desire. Learn about how stress, mental load, and relationship dynamics affect desire.
Instead of sending your partner articles, read them yourself first. Then say: “Hey, I read this article about desire discrepancies and I’m realizing some ways I might be contributing to the pressure you feel. Can we talk about it?”
Instead of making appointments for your partner, suggest couples counseling or coaching with someone qualified (pro tip: most couples counselors or therapists have little to no training in sexuality, so find a specialist or reach out to me). The message shifts from “you need fixing” to “we need support navigating this together.”
Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your partner, ask what the relationship needs. “What would help both of us feel more connected?” “What’s missing in our relationship that would make intimacy feel better for both of us?”
The Relief This Creates
When you stop trying to fix your partner and start addressing the dynamic, both partners experience relief:
The lower-desire partner feels: less shame, less pressure, more like a human being (not a project), more willing to engage in conversations about intimacy, safer to be vulnerable.
The higher-desire partner feels: less frustration (because you’re actually working on the real problem), more hope (because there are things YOU can do, not just things your partner needs to fix), more connected (because you’re teammates, not adversaries).
Your Next Steps
If you’ve been making this mistake, here’s what to do:
1. Acknowledge it. If you’ve been treating your partner like they’re broken, own it: “I realize I’ve been acting like this is your problem to fix, and I’m sorry. I’m learning this is actually about our dynamic together.”
2. Read or listen together. Instead of sending your partner resources, suggest experiencing them together. “I found this podcast episode about desire discrepancies. Want to listen together and talk about what resonates?”
3. Schedule a conversation—with groundrules. Pick a calm time (not in bed, not after a rejection). Agree that this conversation is about understanding each other, not fixing anyone. Use “I feel” statements, not “you” accusations.
4. Consider professional help. Sometimes you need outside support to see the dynamic clearly. That’s what I do in my coaching practice—help couples shift from blame to curiosity, from “broken person” to “stuck pattern.”
Related Podcast Episodes
- Getting on the Same Team Part 1: stop venting to friends and start solving the problem together
- Getting on the Same Team Part 2: how to talk about sex without fighting
Related Posts
- Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship →
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make with Desire Discrepancies →
Need More Help?
If you’re recognizing this pattern in your relationship and want personalized guidance, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening in your specific situation, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.
Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. Through somatic and body-based methods, she helps couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and connection.