Most of us learned early on whether care was something we could count on. And when the answer was unreliable, we did what smart, adaptive human children do: we picked a coping strategy and got very good at it.
There are two main choices children make: pursue harder, or stop needing. We're going beyond the standard “anxious or avoidant” today and really uncovering what happens for people with both of these coping styles.
Those two roads lead to very different adults, very different ways of existing in relationships, and very specific erotic desires. This episode will help you understand the challenges, drawbacks, opportunities, and desires that come from each path — and how to work with those to have better connections, easier relationships, and more a satisfying sex life.
This is episode two of the attachment wounds and erotic emotions series. I cover the dependency wound: what it is, where it comes from, and how it quietly shapes what you want in bed, how you ask for it, and what happens when you don't get it.
In this episode:
What the dependency wound is and where it comes from
Including some causes that have nothing to do with bad parenting, and everything to do with circumstances that made consistent attunement hard.
The two survival strategies it creates
Over-dependent and under-dependent, what each one actually feels like from the inside, and why the under-dependent's deepest erotic craving is often identical to the over-dependent's — just buried under years of pretending it isn't there.
How both patterns land on a partner, in and out of bed
Including why over-dependents and under-dependents are drawn to each other, and why that match can go sideways fast.
What movement actually looks like for each
Including the single most important thing an under-dependent can do before they quietly shut someone out for good.
Your needs are real. Both sides of this wound are just different
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and “Shoulds” Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
More links:
Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
Pleasure Path Diagnostic here: https://laurajurgens.com/diagnostic/
About me, testimonials, blog, bookings: https://laurajurgens.com/
Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
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