After years of working with couples on mismatched desire—and recording 100 episodes of my podcast on this exact topic—I’ve noticed something: the same patterns show up over and over again.
These aren’t random mistakes. They’re strategies that make perfect sense in the moment. You’re scared. You’re desperate to fix things. You’re using the only tools you know. But here’s the problem: these well-intentioned strategies backfire. They make the desire discrepancy worse instead of better.
I’ve made most of these mistakes myself. So if you recognize yourself in several of them—or all of them—don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re human. Recognizing the pattern is actually the first step toward changing it.
Here are the 10 biggest mistakes I see people make when dealing with a desire discrepancy:
1. Trying to Fix Your Partner Instead of the Dynamic
When there’s a desire discrepancy, it’s tempting to locate the problem in one person—usually the partner who wants less sex. You’re sending articles about “how to boost libido,” making doctor’s appointments, suggesting supplements.
The problem: You’re treating your partner like a broken appliance instead of recognizing you’re both caught in a relationship pattern. This creates shame, resistance, and defensiveness—the exact opposite conditions needed for desire.
What to do instead: Approach it as “our desire gap” not “your low libido problem.” Ask: “What’s happening in our dynamic that’s making desire harder for both of us?” Recognize you’re both suffering in different ways.
Read the full post: How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic →
2. Having Obligation Sex to Keep the Peace
If you’re having sex when you’re not remotely turned on—lying still, waiting for it to be over, thinking “I’ll just get it over with”—your body is registering every time you cross your own boundaries.
The problem: Obligation sex teaches your nervous system that sex equals pressure and discomfort. It builds resentment, can create physical pain, and makes future desire even less likely. Research shows women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.
What to do instead: Honor your “no” while staying engaged. Say what IS available: “Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect—how about we cuddle and talk?” Your boundaries matter.
Read the full post: Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead) →
3. Taking Rejection Personally
When your partner says no to sex and you spiral into “they don’t love me” or “I’m undesirable,” you’re making their experience all about you. This creates MORE pressure for them to say yes next time just to manage YOUR feelings—which kills their authentic desire even more.
The problem: I’ve seen cases where the entire desire discrepancy was caused by one partner catastrophizing about occasional rejections. The sulking and emotional withdrawal shut their partner’s libido down completely.
What to do instead: Practice the radical idea that their “no” is about them, not you. Their lack of desire in this moment means their body isn’t saying yes right now for THEIR reasons—stress, fatigue, needing connection first. Ask with genuine curiosity: “What’s going on for you right now?”
4. Believing Scheduling Intimate Time Means You’ve Failed
When you were dating, you were scheduling your dates—scheduling to be available to spend the night, bringing your toothbrush. You were scheduling sex. We just called it dating.
The problem: Holding onto the idea that “good sex” only happens spontaneously ignores how responsive desire works and how busy adult life is. Research shows scheduled intimacy can actually be BETTER because it allows for anticipation and removes surprise pressure.
What to do instead: Schedule intimate time—but don’t schedule specific activities. Schedule sexy time, connection, maybe making out. Maybe that’s all your partner’s up for, and that’s okay. Treat it like prioritizing connection, not another to-do list item.
5. Being Defensive About Sexual Feedback
When you can’t hear feedback without getting hurt or defensive, your partner stops trying to guide you. Sex stays mediocre forever.
The problem: Your partner says “I love when you slow down” and you hear “you’re bad at sex.” You get defensive, hurt, or shut down. Partner stops giving feedback because it’s not worth the emotional fallout. The best lovers aren’t naturally talented—they’re the ones who can HEAR what their partner needs.
What to do instead: Receive feedback as a gift. Your partner is giving you the instruction manual. When they say what they like, they’re not saying everything else was wrong—they’re showing you what makes it even BETTER. Get genuinely curious: “Tell me more about what you like.”
6. Making Every Touch Sexual
When every hug, kiss, or back rub becomes an attempt to initiate sex, your lower-desire partner stops wanting ANY touch. They can’t relax into affection because they’re always wondering “Is this going to turn into a request for sex?”
The problem: Physical touch becomes stressful instead of connecting. You’re training your partner to avoid you. They tense up when you touch them, bracing for initiation.
What to do instead: Rebuild non-sexual touch deliberately. Touch your partner with zero expectation: 20-second hugs, hand-holding, shoulder rubs with clothes on. Make a promise and keep it: “I’m just going to hold you—this isn’t going to turn into anything.” When touch becomes safe again, desire often returns.
7. Chasing Your Partner
The more you pursue, the more they retreat. It’s physics, not love. When you chase someone for sex, you create pressure. Pressure is the antithesis of desire.
The problem: You pursue harder → they withdraw further → you feel more rejected → they feel more pressured. You’re initiating constantly, bringing up your sex life all the time. They start avoiding being alone with you, going to bed at different times. You feel like you’re begging; they feel hunted.
What to do instead: Step back and give space. You can’t want something that’s chasing you. Stop initiating for a defined period (discuss this with your partner). Focus on your own wholeness instead of making your partner responsible for your emotional well-being through sex.
8. Not Knowing or Listening to Your Own Body
If you don’t know what feels good to you, you can’t communicate it to your partner. Many of us spend decades not knowing what actually turns us on because we’ve been trained to ignore our bodies.
The problem: You have sex but aren’t sure if you liked it. Partner asks “Does this feel good?” and you don’t actually know. You go through motions hoping to feel something. Without body awareness, desire has nowhere to land.
What to do instead: Start slowing down—way down, like 10% of your normal speed—during any sexual experience. Notice: What do I actually feel? What sensations am I having? Practice listening to your body in non-sexual contexts first: Am I hungry? Tired? What does tension feel like? Build the skill of interoception.
9. Expecting Only Spontaneous Desire to Be “Real”
If you believe desire should always strike out of nowhere, you’re missing how most people actually experience desire, especially in long-term relationships.
The problem: Responsive desire means arousal emerges AFTER physical connection begins, not before. Expecting spontaneity sets up responsive-desire partners to feel “wrong” or broken, when they’re actually completely normal. Research shows 70%+ of people experience desire this way.
What to do instead: Honor responsive desire as completely legitimate. “I wasn’t thinking about sex until we started kissing, and THEN I got really into it” is normal and valid. Create conditions where responsive desire can emerge: emotional connection, feeling safe, time to warm up. Stop waiting to “be in the mood”—sometimes it comes after you start.
10. Believing Someone Is Broken
If you believe the lower-desire partner is “broken” and needs fixing, or the higher-desire partner is “too needy,” you create shame. Shame shuts down vulnerability, communication, and connection.
The problem: Mismatched desire is THE most common sexual challenge in long-term relationships. Research suggests it’s present in 80% of long-term relationships at some point. It’s not evidence of dysfunction—it’s evidence you’re human.
What to do instead: Normalize the gap. Neither partner is broken. Both experiences are valid. The work isn’t about fixing anyone—it’s about learning to honor both sets of needs, create safety, and build a sex life that works for both of you.
What Now?
Pick one mistake. Just one. The one that feels most relevant, most urgent, or most like “oh, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” Don’t try to fix everything at once.
Click through to read the full post on whichever mistake resonates most. Each one includes deeper insights, specific examples, and actionable steps you can take today.
And if you’re tired of being stuck in these patterns—if you want personalized help figuring out what YOUR relationship specifically needs—I offer free consultation calls. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.
Your desire gap is not evidence that someone is broken. It’s not proof your relationship is doomed. It’s a common challenge that has solutions—but those solutions require you to stop doing the things that backfire and start doing things differently.
Listen to the full episode: This post is based on Episode 100 of The Desire Gap Podcast, where I dive even deeper into each of these mistakes with real examples from my coaching practice.
Related resources:
- Free Guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences Without Blame or Shame
- Book a Free Consultation Call
- More articles on desire discrepancies →
Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach and host of The Desire Gap Podcast. She specializes in helping couples navigate desire discrepancies using somatic and body-based methods, serving both partners equally without blame or shame.