How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic

by Libido MismatchMistakes

 

This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies.

When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only they would just want sex more, everything would be fine, right?

Wrong.

And I say this with compassion, because I understand the impulse. When you’re the higher-desire partner, it genuinely feels like your partner’s lack of desire is the problem. When you’re the lower-desire partner, you might even believe you’re broken and need fixing.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples: treating this as a “broken person” problem instead of a “stuck dynamic” problem makes everything worse.

What This Mistake Looks Like

You might be making this mistake if you’re:

  • Sending your partner articles or podcast episodes about “how to boost libido” without them asking
  • Making doctor’s appointments for them to get their hormones checked
  • Suggesting supplements, books, or therapists to “fix” their low sex drive
  • Saying things like “You need to figure out what’s wrong with your libido”
  • Thinking “If only you would just want sex more, we’d be fine”
  • Researching “low libido solutions” and presenting them to your partner

If you’re the lower-desire partner, this mistake might look like:

  • Thinking of yourself as broken or defective
  • Feeling like a project that needs to be fixed
  • Taking on the entire responsibility for “solving” the desire gap
  • Believing something is medically or psychologically wrong with you
  • Feeling shame about not wanting sex as often as your partner

Why This Approach Backfires

When you treat your partner like a broken appliance that needs repairing, you create:

Shame. Nothing kills desire faster than feeling defective or inadequate. When the lower-desire partner feels like they’re broken, their nervous system registers this as unsafe. And desire cannot emerge in conditions of shame and unsafety.

Defensiveness. When someone feels attacked or criticized (even if that’s not your intention), they become defensive. Defensive people don’t open up—they shut down.

Resistance. The more you push someone to change, the more they dig in their heels. This is basic human psychology. Nobody wants to be someone’s fix-it project.

Pressure. When you’re constantly trying to “solve” your partner’s libido, they feel pressured. Pressure is the antithesis of desire. You cannot pressure someone into wanting you.

All of these create the exact opposite conditions needed for desire to emerge. Desire needs safety, openness, playfulness, and connection. “Fixing” your partner creates danger, defensiveness, resistance, and distance.

The Paradigm Shift That Changes Everything

Here’s the fundamental truth: This is not a “broken person” problem. This is a “stuck dynamic” problem.

You’re both caught in a relationship pattern. Neither of you is doing this on purpose. Both of you are suffering—just in different ways. One of you is feeling rejected and undesired. The other is feeling pressured and inadequate.

When you shift from “your low libido is the problem” to “our dynamic is creating challenges for both of us,” everything changes. It opens the possibility for collaborative problem-solving instead of blame.

What to Do Instead: The “Our Dynamic” Approach

1. Change your language from “you” to “we”

Instead of: “You need to work on your libido” Try: “I think we need to look at what’s happening in our relationship that’s making intimacy harder”

Instead of: “What’s wrong with you that you don’t want sex?” Try: “What’s happening between us that’s making desire difficult?”

This might sound like just semantics, but it’s actually fundamentally important. Language shapes how we think about problems—and how we approach solutions.

2. Get curious about both of your roles

Both partners contribute to the dynamic. Yes, both. Even if it feels like only one person “has the problem.”

Questions to explore:

  • How might the higher-desire partner be creating pressure (even unintentionally)?
  • How might the lower-desire partner be avoiding difficult conversations?
  • What’s each person doing that might be making desire harder for the other?
  • What unmet needs does each person have?

3. Recognize you’re both suffering

The higher-desire partner is experiencing: rejection, loneliness, feeling undesired, anxiety about the relationship, frustration, sometimes even grief over the loss of physical intimacy.

The lower-desire partner is experiencing: pressure, guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety about disappointing their partner, sometimes even dread around touch.

Both sets of feelings are valid. Both partners are struggling. This isn’t about whose pain is “worse”—it’s about recognizing you’re both in pain, just in different ways.

4. Approach it as teammates, not opponents

You’re not on opposite sides of this problem. You’re on the same team, facing a challenge together. The challenge is the desire gap—not each other.

Ask: “How can WE create conditions where both of us feel good about our intimate connection?”

What This Looks Like in Practice

Instead of researching “low libido fixes” for your partner, research desire discrepancies in relationships. Learn about how common this is (research suggests 80% of long-term relationships experience it at some point). Learn about responsive desire. Learn about how stress, mental load, and relationship dynamics affect desire.

Instead of sending your partner articles, read them yourself first. Then say: “Hey, I read this article about desire discrepancies and I’m realizing some ways I might be contributing to the pressure you feel. Can we talk about it?”

Instead of making appointments for your partner, suggest couples counseling or coaching with someone qualified (pro tip: most couples counselors or therapists have little to no training in sexuality, so find a specialist or reach out to me). The message shifts from “you need fixing” to “we need support navigating this together.”

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your partner, ask what the relationship needs. “What would help both of us feel more connected?” “What’s missing in our relationship that would make intimacy feel better for both of us?”

The Relief This Creates

When you stop trying to fix your partner and start addressing the dynamic, both partners experience relief:

The lower-desire partner feels: less shame, less pressure, more like a human being (not a project), more willing to engage in conversations about intimacy, safer to be vulnerable.

The higher-desire partner feels: less frustration (because you’re actually working on the real problem), more hope (because there are things YOU can do, not just things your partner needs to fix), more connected (because you’re teammates, not adversaries).

Your Next Steps

If you’ve been making this mistake, here’s what to do:

1. Acknowledge it. If you’ve been treating your partner like they’re broken, own it: “I realize I’ve been acting like this is your problem to fix, and I’m sorry. I’m learning this is actually about our dynamic together.”

2. Read or listen together. Instead of sending your partner resources, suggest experiencing them together. “I found this podcast episode about desire discrepancies. Want to listen together and talk about what resonates?”

3. Schedule a conversation—with groundrules. Pick a calm time (not in bed, not after a rejection). Agree that this conversation is about understanding each other, not fixing anyone. Use “I feel” statements, not “you” accusations.

4. Consider professional help. Sometimes you need outside support to see the dynamic clearly. That’s what I do in my coaching practice—help couples shift from blame to curiosity, from “broken person” to “stuck pattern.”

Related Podcast Episodes

Related Posts

Need More Help?

If you’re recognizing this pattern in your relationship and want personalized guidance, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening in your specific situation, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. Through somatic and body-based methods, she helps couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and connection.

Top 10 Mistakes People Make with a Desire Discrepancy . . . (and What to Do Instead)

by Libido MismatchUncategorized

After years of working with couples on mismatched desire—and recording 100 episodes of my podcast on this exact topic—I’ve noticed something: the same patterns show up over and over again.

These aren’t random mistakes. They’re strategies that make perfect sense in the moment. You’re scared. You’re desperate to fix things. You’re using the only tools you know. But here’s the problem: these well-intentioned strategies backfire. They make the desire discrepancy worse instead of better.

I’ve made most of these mistakes myself. So if you recognize yourself in several of them—or all of them—don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re human. Recognizing the pattern is actually the first step toward changing it.

Here are the 10 biggest mistakes I see people make when dealing with a desire discrepancy:

1. Trying to Fix Your Partner Instead of the Dynamic

When there’s a desire discrepancy, it’s tempting to locate the problem in one person—usually the partner who wants less sex. You’re sending articles about “how to boost libido,” making doctor’s appointments, suggesting supplements.

The problem: You’re treating your partner like a broken appliance instead of recognizing you’re both caught in a relationship pattern. This creates shame, resistance, and defensiveness—the exact opposite conditions needed for desire.

What to do instead: Approach it as “our desire gap” not “your low libido problem.” Ask: “What’s happening in our dynamic that’s making desire harder for both of us?” Recognize you’re both suffering in different ways.

Read the full post: How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic →

2. Having Obligation Sex to Keep the Peace

If you’re having sex when you’re not remotely turned on—lying still, waiting for it to be over, thinking “I’ll just get it over with”—your body is registering every time you cross your own boundaries.

The problem: Obligation sex teaches your nervous system that sex equals pressure and discomfort. It builds resentment, can create physical pain, and makes future desire even less likely. Research shows women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.

What to do instead: Honor your “no” while staying engaged. Say what IS available: “Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect—how about we cuddle and talk?” Your boundaries matter.

Read the full post: Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead) →

3. Taking Rejection Personally

When your partner says no to sex and you spiral into “they don’t love me” or “I’m undesirable,” you’re making their experience all about you. This creates MORE pressure for them to say yes next time just to manage YOUR feelings—which kills their authentic desire even more.

The problem: I’ve seen cases where the entire desire discrepancy was caused by one partner catastrophizing about occasional rejections. The sulking and emotional withdrawal shut their partner’s libido down completely.

What to do instead: Practice the radical idea that their “no” is about them, not you. Their lack of desire in this moment means their body isn’t saying yes right now for THEIR reasons—stress, fatigue, needing connection first. Ask with genuine curiosity: “What’s going on for you right now?”

 

4. Believing Scheduling Intimate Time Means You’ve Failed

When you were dating, you were scheduling your dates—scheduling to be available to spend the night, bringing your toothbrush. You were scheduling sex. We just called it dating.

The problem: Holding onto the idea that “good sex” only happens spontaneously ignores how responsive desire works and how busy adult life is. Research shows scheduled intimacy can actually be BETTER because it allows for anticipation and removes surprise pressure.

What to do instead: Schedule intimate time—but don’t schedule specific activities. Schedule sexy time, connection, maybe making out. Maybe that’s all your partner’s up for, and that’s okay. Treat it like prioritizing connection, not another to-do list item.

 

5. Being Defensive About Sexual Feedback

When you can’t hear feedback without getting hurt or defensive, your partner stops trying to guide you. Sex stays mediocre forever.

The problem: Your partner says “I love when you slow down” and you hear “you’re bad at sex.” You get defensive, hurt, or shut down. Partner stops giving feedback because it’s not worth the emotional fallout. The best lovers aren’t naturally talented—they’re the ones who can HEAR what their partner needs.

What to do instead: Receive feedback as a gift. Your partner is giving you the instruction manual. When they say what they like, they’re not saying everything else was wrong—they’re showing you what makes it even BETTER. Get genuinely curious: “Tell me more about what you like.”

 

6. Making Every Touch Sexual

When every hug, kiss, or back rub becomes an attempt to initiate sex, your lower-desire partner stops wanting ANY touch. They can’t relax into affection because they’re always wondering “Is this going to turn into a request for sex?”

The problem: Physical touch becomes stressful instead of connecting. You’re training your partner to avoid you. They tense up when you touch them, bracing for initiation.

What to do instead: Rebuild non-sexual touch deliberately. Touch your partner with zero expectation: 20-second hugs, hand-holding, shoulder rubs with clothes on. Make a promise and keep it: “I’m just going to hold you—this isn’t going to turn into anything.” When touch becomes safe again, desire often returns.

 

7. Chasing Your Partner

The more you pursue, the more they retreat. It’s physics, not love. When you chase someone for sex, you create pressure. Pressure is the antithesis of desire.

The problem: You pursue harder → they withdraw further → you feel more rejected → they feel more pressured. You’re initiating constantly, bringing up your sex life all the time. They start avoiding being alone with you, going to bed at different times. You feel like you’re begging; they feel hunted.

What to do instead: Step back and give space. You can’t want something that’s chasing you. Stop initiating for a defined period (discuss this with your partner). Focus on your own wholeness instead of making your partner responsible for your emotional well-being through sex.

 

8. Not Knowing or Listening to Your Own Body

If you don’t know what feels good to you, you can’t communicate it to your partner. Many of us spend decades not knowing what actually turns us on because we’ve been trained to ignore our bodies.

The problem: You have sex but aren’t sure if you liked it. Partner asks “Does this feel good?” and you don’t actually know. You go through motions hoping to feel something. Without body awareness, desire has nowhere to land.

What to do instead: Start slowing down—way down, like 10% of your normal speed—during any sexual experience. Notice: What do I actually feel? What sensations am I having? Practice listening to your body in non-sexual contexts first: Am I hungry? Tired? What does tension feel like? Build the skill of interoception.

 

9. Expecting Only Spontaneous Desire to Be “Real”

If you believe desire should always strike out of nowhere, you’re missing how most people actually experience desire, especially in long-term relationships.

The problem: Responsive desire means arousal emerges AFTER physical connection begins, not before. Expecting spontaneity sets up responsive-desire partners to feel “wrong” or broken, when they’re actually completely normal. Research shows 70%+ of people experience desire this way.

What to do instead: Honor responsive desire as completely legitimate. “I wasn’t thinking about sex until we started kissing, and THEN I got really into it” is normal and valid. Create conditions where responsive desire can emerge: emotional connection, feeling safe, time to warm up. Stop waiting to “be in the mood”—sometimes it comes after you start.

 

10. Believing Someone Is Broken

If you believe the lower-desire partner is “broken” and needs fixing, or the higher-desire partner is “too needy,” you create shame. Shame shuts down vulnerability, communication, and connection.

The problem: Mismatched desire is THE most common sexual challenge in long-term relationships. Research suggests it’s present in 80% of long-term relationships at some point. It’s not evidence of dysfunction—it’s evidence you’re human.

What to do instead: Normalize the gap. Neither partner is broken. Both experiences are valid. The work isn’t about fixing anyone—it’s about learning to honor both sets of needs, create safety, and build a sex life that works for both of you.

 

What Now?

Pick one mistake. Just one. The one that feels most relevant, most urgent, or most like “oh, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” Don’t try to fix everything at once.

Click through to read the full post on whichever mistake resonates most. Each one includes deeper insights, specific examples, and actionable steps you can take today.

And if you’re tired of being stuck in these patterns—if you want personalized help figuring out what YOUR relationship specifically needs—I offer free consultation calls. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Your desire gap is not evidence that someone is broken. It’s not proof your relationship is doomed. It’s a common challenge that has solutions—but those solutions require you to stop doing the things that backfire and start doing things differently.

Listen to the full episode: This post is based on Episode 100 of The Desire Gap Podcast, where I dive even deeper into each of these mistakes with real examples from my coaching practice.

Related resources:

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach and host of The Desire Gap Podcast. She specializes in helping couples navigate desire discrepancies using somatic and body-based methods, serving both partners equally without blame or shame.