BDSM negotiation: what happens when you skip it, and how to do it right

by BDSM/KinkMistakesSomaticTips
BDSM negotiation: what happens when you skip it, and how to do it right

There’s a version of BDSM negotiation that gets taught as homework: sit down with a checklist, compare your yes/no/maybe lists. Maybe you even write up a contract, file it somewhere. It sounds organized. It also sounds like the least sexy thing imaginable, which is probably why so many couples skip it — or do a half-assed version that leaves huge gaps (which can cause real harm: more on that soon). 

Here’s what I want to offer instead: negotiation isn’t the paperwork before the play. Done well, it is play. It’s the first scene. It’s where you start learning each other’s nervous systems, desires, edges, and trust. Skipping it doesn’t just create safety risks — it skips one of the most connecting, erotic parts of the whole dynamic.

But I also want to be honest about what happens when couples skip it anyway, because I’ve seen the consequences in my practice. And they’re worth taking seriously before you start.

Why power play requires more structure, not less

There’s a paradox at the center of D/s dynamics and BDSM: the more freedom you want inside the dynamic — the deeper you want to go, the more you want to genuinely surrender or genuinely lead — the more structure you need underneath it.

This isn’t just a consent principle, though it is that. It’s a nervous-system principle. Your body needs to know it’s safe before it can open into genuine vulnerability, genuine authority, or genuine pleasure. Structure is what creates that safety — not as a cage, but as a container. The negotiation is how you build the container together.

When the container is vague or assumed rather than built, you’re setting up a specific kind of vulnerability that goes in both directions.

For the bottom or sub, the problem isn’t necessarily that they stay guarded — it’s often the opposite. The sub state itself releases vigilance. That surrender of the monitoring mind is precisely what people are seeking, and it’s genuinely powerful. But without a well-built container, that same release means the mind has vacated the body at exactly the moment the body most needs someone paying attention to it. The nervous system can get flooded, limits can get crossed, and the sub may not even register it as a problem until well after the scene ends — sometimes much later.

For the top/dom or domme, the absence of clear negotiation creates its own trap: either they lead hesitantly, second-guessing every move (which often means they fail and feel frustrated), or — and this is at least as common — they get drawn into the dynamic and act on what feels right in the moment, which may be nowhere near what their partner actually needed or consented to. Neither person meant for things to go wrong. That’s exactly why the structure has to be built before anyone enters the container.

The part most people don’t talk about: the sub’s responsibility

Most BDSM education puts the weight of negotiation on the dominant partner. Know your partner’s limits. Check in. Hold the container. That’s all true, and it matters.

What gets talked about less is the sub’s equal responsibility in this process.

The submissive partner is not a passenger. They are an architect of the dynamic. Their job in negotiation is to know themselves — their genuine desires, their real edges, the places where something might feel exciting in fantasy and activating in reality, the difference between a limit that’s fixed and one that might shift with more trust or experience. That’s not simple work, and it’s not something anyone can do for you.

You can’t play safe if you won’t take responsibility for your own boundaries. Full stop. 

When a sub avoids that work — either because the self-knowledge feels hard, because naming limits feels like it kills the mood, or because they’d rather leave it to their partner to figure out — they’re not giving their partner freedom. They’re giving them an impossible task: to lead without a map, and to be solely responsible if something goes wrong.

This dynamic is more common than people realize, and it has real consequences.

What actually happens when you skip the negotiation

I want to be specific here, because I think vague warnings don’t help anyone make better decisions.

In my practice, I’ve worked with people who entered BDSM or D/s dynamics with real enthusiasm and a lot of assumed understanding — couples who loved each other, who had genuine desire for the dynamic, who just didn’t do the work of building the container first. What I’ve seen happen, more than once, includes:

Loss of desire. When a scene goes somewhere that wasn’t negotiated — even something that might have been welcome with more preparation — the body registers it as a threat, not a pleasure. Desire protects itself. It pulls back. Sometimes that pullback is temporary; sometimes it isn’t.

Erosion of trust and connection. Power exchange is, at its core, a trust structure. When that trust gets breached — even accidentally, even by someone who was trying to do right by their partner — the relational rupture can be significant. And because BDSM and D/s aren’t always easy to talk about openly, couples often struggle to repair those ruptures on their own. They may leave them for years, only for the wounds to fester and worsen. 

Loss of the capacity to do any BDSM at all. This is the outcome that surprises people most. The nervous system learns from experience. If power exchange becomes associated with feeling unsafe, overwhelmed, or unheard, the body can begin to respond to any BDSM-adjacent context as a threat — shutting down desire, arousal, and interest even when the person consciously wants to try again. I worked with a couple where this happened. He was miserable because being a top was truly his deepest desire. She was adamant: never again. It just was not available to her anymore, no matter how much she used to like it. 

None of this means BDSM is inherently dangerous. It means that, like any powerful container, the container matters. A lack of negotiation isn’t a minor oversight — it’s a structural gap that leaves both people exposed.

What good negotiation actually looks like

Good negotiation is not a one-time intake form. It’s a practice, and it starts before the first scene and continues throughout the relationship with the dynamic.

Here’s what it involves, in non-clinical terms:

Individual self-knowledge first

Before you negotiate with each other, each partner does some internal work. What do you actually want? What are you curious about, and what’s the nature of that curiosity — is it a genuine desire or more of a “I think I should want this”? Where are your real edges, and where are the edges that are more about not having done this before? This doesn’t require perfect self-knowledge — you won’t have it, and that’s fine. It requires honest engagement with what you do and don’t know about yourself.

Fun Stuff too: Desires and edges, not just limits

Most negotiation frameworks focus heavily on limits — what you won’t do. That’s important. But desire-forward negotiation asks both partners to also name what they actively want, what feels exciting, what they’re hoping to feel or experience. This shifts the conversation from liability management to genuine co-creation. (It also makes it WAY more FUN.)

Context matters: when does it end?

Power dynamics in the bedroom and power dynamics woven into daily life are different containers and carry different weight. What feels like a fun game on a Saturday night may feel controlling on a Tuesday morning when someone’s already stressed. Part of negotiation is getting specific about context — where does this dynamic feel nourishing, where does it feel like too much, and how will you know the difference?

Let the safety talk be Erotic Playtime

The negotiation conversation doesn’t have to be clinical. That’s boring.

Talking about what you want, what excites you, where you feel curious, what you need to feel safe — that’s intimate. It’s connecting. Many couples find that a well-held negotiation conversation is some of the most turned-on they’ve felt together, because they’re being genuinely seen and genuinely seeing each other. (I distinctly remember the most turned-on I ever felt with one partner was when we were negotiating playfully. I need a fan just thinking about it.)

The separation between “negotiation” and “play” is mostly artificial. You can let them blur. Bring your sexy to the table when you talk. Feel into the character you want to be, the experience you want to have.

Did I mention: play?! 

Remember how much negotiating went into building a pirate ship out of boxes with your friends when you were 7? A LOT. Who’s going to be the captain? Who’s going to be the hostage? Where do we put the plank? Have fun. 

It’s ongoing, not one-and-done

 Desires change. Bodies change. Relationships change. A negotiation from two years ago doesn’t cover who you both are now. Build in regular check-ins — not as a sign that something went wrong, but as a normal part of maintaining a dynamic that keeps working for both of you.

And make sure you’re speaking the same language. Here’s a podcast episode on how gender socialization affects what we mean by “dominant” and “assertive.”

If the conversation keeps not happening

Sometimes couples know they need to have this conversation and keep not having it. That avoidance is usually information. It might mean one or both partners are uncertain about what they actually want. It might mean there’s shame or fear about naming desires out loud. It might mean the gap between what one partner wants and what they think their partner wants feels too risky to look at directly.

If the negotiation itself has become the stuck place, a checklist probably won’t unstick it. The blocks are often body-level — connected to nervous system patterns, relational history, attachment, or past experiences — and those don’t resolve through information alone.

A note for therapists

If you’re a therapist reading this because a client came to you with this issue: you’re not alone, and this is more common in couples work than the literature tends to reflect.

The scenario I described above — one or both partners interested in power dynamics, a dynamic that started without full negotiation, relational or sexual damage as a result — is a specialized referral. General psychoeducation and communication frameworks are a good start, but if the sub in particular has been avoiding taking ownership of their own limits, or if desire or trust has already been impacted, what’s needed is body-level work: somatic processing, nervous-system co-regulation, and practiced negotiation in real time with someone who can hold that container.

If you’re working with a couple who could benefit from that kind of support, I work as a specialist resource for therapists across exactly this territory. A co-therapy model or a direct referral are both options I’m happy to discuss.

[→ Reach out here to discuss a referral or co-therapy consultation: laura (at) laurajurgens (dot) com

Why ‘Love Should Be Effortless’ Is Ruining Your Relationship

by Libido MismatchMistakes

I’m going to ask you something that may be uncomfortable: What are you willing to invest in your most important relationship?

I’m talking about real investment. Time, money, effort, and attention. The whole deal. That’s what “doing the work” actually means.

And I know some of you are already thinking: “Laura, shouldn’t love be free? Shouldn’t relationships just work naturally if they’re meant to be?”

I totally get where you’re coming from. We’ve been fed this narrative that if you need help with your relationship, something is fundamentally wrong. That good relationships should be effortless. That needing to work on intimacy means you’re somehow not compatible.

That’s bullshit. And it’s keeping people stuck in mediocre relationships when they could be experiencing something truly fulfilling.

The Lie We’ve All Been Sold

Here’s the reality: We live in a culture that gives us absolutely terrible relationship advice.

The media we consume—movies, TV shows, porn—teaches us that passion happens magically and instantly. That communication should be intuitive. That relationship problems are always solved with a grand gesture (and then it’s “happily ever after”). That great sex requires no learning or practice. That everyone orgasms in 2.5 seconds easily, together, while gazing into each other’s eyes. Total B.S.

Meanwhile, we’re also living in a culture that’s deeply uncomfortable with sexuality. That shames women’s desire and shames men for not being stoic performers. That tells us talking about what we want is inappropriate and doesn’t help us actually learn what we want or how to talk about it.

So here we are, expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with no guidance, no education, and a bunch of harmful myths.

Does that make any sense?

We wouldn’t expect someone to become a great musician without lessons or a skilled surgeon without training. But somehow we think we should just know how to create deep intimacy and satisfying sexual connection. We’re literally the most complex, socially sexual animal on the planet, and we’re supposed to figure this out on our own.

The expectation is completely unrealistic.

What Happens When We Believe The Myth

Here’s what I see over and over: People struggle. Couples hit walls. Desire fades. Communication breaks down.

And instead of getting help, people think there’s something wrong with them or their relationship. “It’s broken, can’t be fixed.” “I’m broken, I can’t be fixed.” “My partner is broken, they can’t be fixed.” Or maybe, “If we were really meant to be together, this wouldn’t be so hard.”

Let me tell you something really true from actual experience working with tons of people: The people I work with are not broken. Whether they’re individuals or couples, they are not broken.

They are normal. They are smart, capable people who excel in all kinds of ways in their lives. They just need support in this particular area.

And honestly? I have so much respect for people who are willing to invest in their relationships. Because it’s smart.

Why Your Relationship Deserves Investment

We know from research that healthy relationships literally change your brain and your body in measurable ways.

There’s MRI scan evidence that people in loving relationships have different patterns of brain activity. Being in a fulfilling relationship is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety, better immune function, improved cardiovascular health, and even increased longevity.

(And this doesn’t mean you can’t be single. This can also be true for really loving close friendships. I’m talking about your most intimate emotional connections—the ones where you get physical affection.)

Your relationship quality is one of the biggest predictors of your overall happiness and health. In fact, it’s the biggest predictor in most studies. Not your job success. Not your bank account. Not what kind of car you drive or handbag you carry. Not your body size. Your relationships.

So if that’s true, doesn’t it make sense to invest in that area of our lives?

The Investment Paradox

Here’s what’s wild: Most of us spend thousands of dollars a year on our physical health—gym memberships, fancy health food, medical care. We invest in our careers through education, networking, skill development. We spend money on our homes, our cars, our hobbies.

But when it comes to our most important relationship—the one that affects our daily happiness and well-being more than anything else—we hesitate to invest.

Why is that?

I think it’s partly because we’ve been taught that needing help means we’re failing. That love should somehow conquer all without any effort or skill. That’s the line we get fed in the media, in movies, in books.

But I also think it’s because we don’t really understand what’s at stake when your intimate relationship is struggling.

It doesn’t just affect your Saturday night. If you’ve been there, you know: it affects your sleep, your stress levels, your confidence, your ability to show up in other areas of your life. It affects your kids if you have them—they’re learning about relationships by watching you. It affects your friendships, your work, your health. Everything.

And on the flip side, when your intimate relationships are thriving, it enhances everything else. You feel more confident, more resilient, more capable of handling whatever life throws at you. You have a secure base to come home to—a person who really sees and supports you, who you know in your soul you can work things out with if you have troubles.

That’s not just nice to have. It’s life-changing. It’s health-changing.

What Investment Actually Looks Like

So what does investing in your relationship actually mean?

It might mean:

  • Getting coaching when you hit rough patches, instead of just hoping things will get better on their own
  • Taking a workshop together on communication
  • Actually having conversations about intimacy instead of avoiding them
  • Scheduling and following through on regular date nights and weekly relationship check-ins—and protecting that time instead of letting everything else take priority
  • Putting effort into finding your own desire so you’re not just making it your partner’s job to turn you on all the time
  • Having awkward conversations about sex instead of avoiding them
  • Reading books together about relationships
  • Making space in your budget for things that support your connection—whether that’s childcare so you can have alone time, or a weekend retreat, or whatever works for your situation

I had a client who recently said something that gave me the inspiration for this whole conversation: “We spend more money on our lawn care than we do on our relationship.”

When she said it out loud, she realized how backwards that was. They’d been willing for years to pay someone to keep their grass healthy, but they thought their marriage should just maintain itself.

Investment Doesn’t Always Mean Money

I want to be clear: I’m not saying throw money at your relationship problems, or that expensive equals better.

You can create incredible intimacy with really thoughtful investments. Some of the most powerful relationship work actually comes through daily practices, honest conversations, and consistent attention to each other.

But sometimes you need help figuring out how to do some of those things in a way that works. That’s where coaching, therapy, workshops, or courses come in. But that’s not right for everybody, and that’s okay. There are other ways to invest.

What I am saying is this: Your relationship deserves the same level of intentionality and investment that you give to other important areas of your life.

If you want a great relationship to take into your future with you, you’ve got to invest in it—just like if you want a retirement account later in life, you’ve got to invest in it.

It deserves your best effort, not your leftovers.

The Preventative Maintenance Approach

Here’s something I see so much: The couples who are willing to invest in their relationship early—who get help before things are actually really problematic—usually need less help overall.

Take your car in for an oil change and you probably won’t need to get the head gasket replaced. It’s like getting preventative healthcare instead of waiting for a crisis.

Figure out how to strengthen your connection now, when it’s not a huge problem. Figure out how to do relationship repair before you have this huge closet full of resentments that you’re terrified to open.

Because good intimacy is a skill. Communication is a skill. Creating and maintaining desire in a long-term relationship—that’s a skill. And all of them can be learned and improved with the right guidance and practice, just like any skills. 

I know this because I used to be totally awful at communication and intimacy. Yep. Really, really bad. Then I learned step by step. Now I’m really great at it.

Just like you wouldn’t expect someone to master a sport without coaching or become fluent in a language without study and practice, there’s no way you should intuitively know how to navigate complex emotional and sexual dynamics with another human being without help.

Why We Don’t Know How To Do This

The reality is most of us learned about relationships from watching our parents, who learned from watching their parents, and so on. And a lot of what got passed down isn’t particularly healthy or effective.

That, on top of all those mixed messages and harmful messages from culture and media—and then we’re often trying to figure stuff out in times of stress or conflict. It’s no wonder people struggle.

So it’s really understandable to need help. And whatever the right support is for you, most relationship challenges are absolutely workable, especially if you get an outside perspective and get some help.

A lot of couples who think they’re doomed just discover that they need some new tools or perspectives.

And I want to be honest: Some couples actually discover the best thing for them is to split, and they just need help finding clarity and navigating that. That’s valid too.

The Question That Changes Everything

Here’s what I want you to consider:

What would change in your life if your most intimate relationship was thriving?

If you felt deeply seen and supported. If you had amazing communication and incredibly satisfying intimacy. If you felt like a team tackling life together.

What would that be worth to you? What would you be willing to invest—in terms of time, effort, and money—in creating that?

Because it’s absolutely possible. It’s possible for you. It just probably will require some intentional effort and some actual investment.

Your Relationships Are Not The Place To Cut Corners

Our relationships are not the place to skimp. They’re too important for your well-being and your happiness. They deserve our best effort, our attention, our investment.

So if you’re one of the people who’ve been on the fence about getting help for your relationship, or having difficult conversations, or making time for connection a real priority—I want to encourage you to take that next step. Whatever that step is for you.

Your future self will thank you.

And I want to invite you to really think about this: How much would you be willing to invest to have the most amazing, supportive, deeply fulfilling, open and honest connection possible for you in this life?

That’s what I want for you.

Related Posts

Listen to the Full Episode

This post is based on an episode of The Desire Gap Podcast. Listen for even more depth, examples, and context on why this myth is so damaging.

Need Help Taking That Next Step?

If you’re ready to invest in your relationship but aren’t sure where to start, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening for you and what kind of support would actually help.

Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire gaps and the creator of The Desire Bridge MethodTM. She helps individuals and couples invest in what matters most—creating deeply fulfilling, authentic intimate connections.

How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic

by Libido MismatchMistakes

 

This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies.

When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only they would just want sex more, everything would be fine, right?

Wrong.

And I say this with compassion, because I understand the impulse. When you’re the higher-desire partner, it genuinely feels like your partner’s lack of desire is the problem. When you’re the lower-desire partner, you might even believe you’re broken and need fixing.

But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples: treating this as a “broken person” problem instead of a “stuck dynamic” problem makes everything worse.

What This Mistake Looks Like

You might be making this mistake if you’re:

  • Sending your partner articles or podcast episodes about “how to boost libido” without them asking
  • Making doctor’s appointments for them to get their hormones checked
  • Suggesting supplements, books, or therapists to “fix” their low sex drive
  • Saying things like “You need to figure out what’s wrong with your libido”
  • Thinking “If only you would just want sex more, we’d be fine”
  • Researching “low libido solutions” and presenting them to your partner

If you’re the lower-desire partner, this mistake might look like:

  • Thinking of yourself as broken or defective
  • Feeling like a project that needs to be fixed
  • Taking on the entire responsibility for “solving” the desire gap
  • Believing something is medically or psychologically wrong with you
  • Feeling shame about not wanting sex as often as your partner

Why This Approach Backfires

When you treat your partner like a broken appliance that needs repairing, you create:

Shame. Nothing kills desire faster than feeling defective or inadequate. When the lower-desire partner feels like they’re broken, their nervous system registers this as unsafe. And desire cannot emerge in conditions of shame and unsafety.

Defensiveness. When someone feels attacked or criticized (even if that’s not your intention), they become defensive. Defensive people don’t open up—they shut down.

Resistance. The more you push someone to change, the more they dig in their heels. This is basic human psychology. Nobody wants to be someone’s fix-it project.

Pressure. When you’re constantly trying to “solve” your partner’s libido, they feel pressured. Pressure is the antithesis of desire. You cannot pressure someone into wanting you.

All of these create the exact opposite conditions needed for desire to emerge. Desire needs safety, openness, playfulness, and connection. “Fixing” your partner creates danger, defensiveness, resistance, and distance.

The Paradigm Shift That Changes Everything

Here’s the fundamental truth: This is not a “broken person” problem. This is a “stuck dynamic” problem.

You’re both caught in a relationship pattern. Neither of you is doing this on purpose. Both of you are suffering—just in different ways. One of you is feeling rejected and undesired. The other is feeling pressured and inadequate.

When you shift from “your low libido is the problem” to “our dynamic is creating challenges for both of us,” everything changes. It opens the possibility for collaborative problem-solving instead of blame.

What to Do Instead: The “Our Dynamic” Approach

1. Change your language from “you” to “we”

Instead of: “You need to work on your libido” Try: “I think we need to look at what’s happening in our relationship that’s making intimacy harder”

Instead of: “What’s wrong with you that you don’t want sex?” Try: “What’s happening between us that’s making desire difficult?”

This might sound like just semantics, but it’s actually fundamentally important. Language shapes how we think about problems—and how we approach solutions.

2. Get curious about both of your roles

Both partners contribute to the dynamic. Yes, both. Even if it feels like only one person “has the problem.”

Questions to explore:

  • How might the higher-desire partner be creating pressure (even unintentionally)?
  • How might the lower-desire partner be avoiding difficult conversations?
  • What’s each person doing that might be making desire harder for the other?
  • What unmet needs does each person have?

3. Recognize you’re both suffering

The higher-desire partner is experiencing: rejection, loneliness, feeling undesired, anxiety about the relationship, frustration, sometimes even grief over the loss of physical intimacy.

The lower-desire partner is experiencing: pressure, guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety about disappointing their partner, sometimes even dread around touch.

Both sets of feelings are valid. Both partners are struggling. This isn’t about whose pain is “worse”—it’s about recognizing you’re both in pain, just in different ways.

4. Approach it as teammates, not opponents

You’re not on opposite sides of this problem. You’re on the same team, facing a challenge together. The challenge is the desire gap—not each other.

Ask: “How can WE create conditions where both of us feel good about our intimate connection?”

What This Looks Like in Practice

Instead of researching “low libido fixes” for your partner, research desire discrepancies in relationships. Learn about how common this is (research suggests 80% of long-term relationships experience it at some point). Learn about responsive desire. Learn about how stress, mental load, and relationship dynamics affect desire.

Instead of sending your partner articles, read them yourself first. Then say: “Hey, I read this article about desire discrepancies and I’m realizing some ways I might be contributing to the pressure you feel. Can we talk about it?”

Instead of making appointments for your partner, suggest couples counseling or coaching with someone qualified (pro tip: most couples counselors or therapists have little to no training in sexuality, so find a specialist or reach out to me). The message shifts from “you need fixing” to “we need support navigating this together.”

Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your partner, ask what the relationship needs. “What would help both of us feel more connected?” “What’s missing in our relationship that would make intimacy feel better for both of us?”

The Relief This Creates

When you stop trying to fix your partner and start addressing the dynamic, both partners experience relief:

The lower-desire partner feels: less shame, less pressure, more like a human being (not a project), more willing to engage in conversations about intimacy, safer to be vulnerable.

The higher-desire partner feels: less frustration (because you’re actually working on the real problem), more hope (because there are things YOU can do, not just things your partner needs to fix), more connected (because you’re teammates, not adversaries).

Your Next Steps

If you’ve been making this mistake, here’s what to do:

1. Acknowledge it. If you’ve been treating your partner like they’re broken, own it: “I realize I’ve been acting like this is your problem to fix, and I’m sorry. I’m learning this is actually about our dynamic together.”

2. Read or listen together. Instead of sending your partner resources, suggest experiencing them together. “I found this podcast episode about desire discrepancies. Want to listen together and talk about what resonates?”

3. Schedule a conversation—with groundrules. Pick a calm time (not in bed, not after a rejection). Agree that this conversation is about understanding each other, not fixing anyone. Use “I feel” statements, not “you” accusations.

4. Consider professional help. Sometimes you need outside support to see the dynamic clearly. That’s what I do in my coaching practice—help couples shift from blame to curiosity, from “broken person” to “stuck pattern.”

Related Podcast Episodes

Related Posts

Need More Help?

If you’re recognizing this pattern in your relationship and want personalized guidance, book a free consultation call. We’ll talk about what’s happening in your specific situation, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach specializing in desire discrepancies. Through somatic and body-based methods, she helps couples shift from blame and shame to curiosity and connection.

Top 10 Mistakes People Make with a Desire Discrepancy . . . (and What to Do Instead)

by Libido MismatchUncategorized

After years of working with couples on mismatched desire—and recording 100 episodes of my podcast on this exact topic—I’ve noticed something: the same patterns show up over and over again.

These aren’t random mistakes. They’re strategies that make perfect sense in the moment. You’re scared. You’re desperate to fix things. You’re using the only tools you know. But here’s the problem: these well-intentioned strategies backfire. They make the desire discrepancy worse instead of better.

I’ve made most of these mistakes myself. So if you recognize yourself in several of them—or all of them—don’t panic. You’re not broken. You’re human. Recognizing the pattern is actually the first step toward changing it.

Here are the 10 biggest mistakes I see people make when dealing with a desire discrepancy:

1. Trying to Fix Your Partner Instead of the Dynamic

When there’s a desire discrepancy, it’s tempting to locate the problem in one person—usually the partner who wants less sex. You’re sending articles about “how to boost libido,” making doctor’s appointments, suggesting supplements.

The problem: You’re treating your partner like a broken appliance instead of recognizing you’re both caught in a relationship pattern. This creates shame, resistance, and defensiveness—the exact opposite conditions needed for desire.

What to do instead: Approach it as “our desire gap” not “your low libido problem.” Ask: “What’s happening in our dynamic that’s making desire harder for both of us?” Recognize you’re both suffering in different ways.

Read the full post: How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic →

2. Having Obligation Sex to Keep the Peace

If you’re having sex when you’re not remotely turned on—lying still, waiting for it to be over, thinking “I’ll just get it over with”—your body is registering every time you cross your own boundaries.

The problem: Obligation sex teaches your nervous system that sex equals pressure and discomfort. It builds resentment, can create physical pain, and makes future desire even less likely. Research shows women who have duty sex report increased emotional detachment and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.

What to do instead: Honor your “no” while staying engaged. Say what IS available: “Sex isn’t on the table right now, but I do want to connect—how about we cuddle and talk?” Your boundaries matter.

Read the full post: Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead) →

3. Taking Rejection Personally

When your partner says no to sex and you spiral into “they don’t love me” or “I’m undesirable,” you’re making their experience all about you. This creates MORE pressure for them to say yes next time just to manage YOUR feelings—which kills their authentic desire even more.

The problem: I’ve seen cases where the entire desire discrepancy was caused by one partner catastrophizing about occasional rejections. The sulking and emotional withdrawal shut their partner’s libido down completely.

What to do instead: Practice the radical idea that their “no” is about them, not you. Their lack of desire in this moment means their body isn’t saying yes right now for THEIR reasons—stress, fatigue, needing connection first. Ask with genuine curiosity: “What’s going on for you right now?”

 

4. Believing Scheduling Intimate Time Means You’ve Failed

When you were dating, you were scheduling your dates—scheduling to be available to spend the night, bringing your toothbrush. You were scheduling sex. We just called it dating.

The problem: Holding onto the idea that “good sex” only happens spontaneously ignores how responsive desire works and how busy adult life is. Research shows scheduled intimacy can actually be BETTER because it allows for anticipation and removes surprise pressure.

What to do instead: Schedule intimate time—but don’t schedule specific activities. Schedule sexy time, connection, maybe making out. Maybe that’s all your partner’s up for, and that’s okay. Treat it like prioritizing connection, not another to-do list item.

 

5. Being Defensive About Sexual Feedback

When you can’t hear feedback without getting hurt or defensive, your partner stops trying to guide you. Sex stays mediocre forever.

The problem: Your partner says “I love when you slow down” and you hear “you’re bad at sex.” You get defensive, hurt, or shut down. Partner stops giving feedback because it’s not worth the emotional fallout. The best lovers aren’t naturally talented—they’re the ones who can HEAR what their partner needs.

What to do instead: Receive feedback as a gift. Your partner is giving you the instruction manual. When they say what they like, they’re not saying everything else was wrong—they’re showing you what makes it even BETTER. Get genuinely curious: “Tell me more about what you like.”

 

6. Making Every Touch Sexual

When every hug, kiss, or back rub becomes an attempt to initiate sex, your lower-desire partner stops wanting ANY touch. They can’t relax into affection because they’re always wondering “Is this going to turn into a request for sex?”

The problem: Physical touch becomes stressful instead of connecting. You’re training your partner to avoid you. They tense up when you touch them, bracing for initiation.

What to do instead: Rebuild non-sexual touch deliberately. Touch your partner with zero expectation: 20-second hugs, hand-holding, shoulder rubs with clothes on. Make a promise and keep it: “I’m just going to hold you—this isn’t going to turn into anything.” When touch becomes safe again, desire often returns.

 

7. Chasing Your Partner

The more you pursue, the more they retreat. It’s physics, not love. When you chase someone for sex, you create pressure. Pressure is the antithesis of desire.

The problem: You pursue harder → they withdraw further → you feel more rejected → they feel more pressured. You’re initiating constantly, bringing up your sex life all the time. They start avoiding being alone with you, going to bed at different times. You feel like you’re begging; they feel hunted.

What to do instead: Step back and give space. You can’t want something that’s chasing you. Stop initiating for a defined period (discuss this with your partner). Focus on your own wholeness instead of making your partner responsible for your emotional well-being through sex.

 

8. Not Knowing or Listening to Your Own Body

If you don’t know what feels good to you, you can’t communicate it to your partner. Many of us spend decades not knowing what actually turns us on because we’ve been trained to ignore our bodies.

The problem: You have sex but aren’t sure if you liked it. Partner asks “Does this feel good?” and you don’t actually know. You go through motions hoping to feel something. Without body awareness, desire has nowhere to land.

What to do instead: Start slowing down—way down, like 10% of your normal speed—during any sexual experience. Notice: What do I actually feel? What sensations am I having? Practice listening to your body in non-sexual contexts first: Am I hungry? Tired? What does tension feel like? Build the skill of interoception.

 

9. Expecting Only Spontaneous Desire to Be “Real”

If you believe desire should always strike out of nowhere, you’re missing how most people actually experience desire, especially in long-term relationships.

The problem: Responsive desire means arousal emerges AFTER physical connection begins, not before. Expecting spontaneity sets up responsive-desire partners to feel “wrong” or broken, when they’re actually completely normal. Research shows 70%+ of people experience desire this way.

What to do instead: Honor responsive desire as completely legitimate. “I wasn’t thinking about sex until we started kissing, and THEN I got really into it” is normal and valid. Create conditions where responsive desire can emerge: emotional connection, feeling safe, time to warm up. Stop waiting to “be in the mood”—sometimes it comes after you start.

 

10. Believing Someone Is Broken

If you believe the lower-desire partner is “broken” and needs fixing, or the higher-desire partner is “too needy,” you create shame. Shame shuts down vulnerability, communication, and connection.

The problem: Mismatched desire is THE most common sexual challenge in long-term relationships. Research suggests it’s present in 80% of long-term relationships at some point. It’s not evidence of dysfunction—it’s evidence you’re human.

What to do instead: Normalize the gap. Neither partner is broken. Both experiences are valid. The work isn’t about fixing anyone—it’s about learning to honor both sets of needs, create safety, and build a sex life that works for both of you.

 

What Now?

Pick one mistake. Just one. The one that feels most relevant, most urgent, or most like “oh, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” Don’t try to fix everything at once.

Click through to read the full post on whichever mistake resonates most. Each one includes deeper insights, specific examples, and actionable steps you can take today.

And if you’re tired of being stuck in these patterns—if you want personalized help figuring out what YOUR relationship specifically needs—I offer free consultation calls. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you, and I’ll tell you honestly whether I think I can help.

Your desire gap is not evidence that someone is broken. It’s not proof your relationship is doomed. It’s a common challenge that has solutions—but those solutions require you to stop doing the things that backfire and start doing things differently.

Listen to the full episode: This post is based on Episode 100 of The Desire Gap Podcast, where I dive even deeper into each of these mistakes with real examples from my coaching practice.

Related resources:

Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Master Certified Intimacy & Relationship Coach and host of The Desire Gap Podcast. She specializes in helping couples navigate desire discrepancies using somatic and body-based methods, serving both partners equally without blame or shame.