“I want to create a relationship with my body, my mind, pleasure and intimacy that is rooted in my values & freedom, without guilt or shame. I want to have sex with someone I'm not married to and not feel dirty or immoral the next day.”
That's what my client Amber wrote on her intake form in June. She rated herself a 1 out of 10. Ten weeks later, she rated herself a 10. In this episode, Amber and I talk about how she made that giant leap.
This is a conversation about building sexual confidence after divorce and letting go of sexual shame. Amber grew up in purity culture and came to me when she was just starting to date again, worried that her desire was too much and feeling that her job in bed was to make the other person comfortable. She tells you what she practiced to shift into owning her pleasure, receiving pleasure without shame, and letting go enough to get back into her body and enjoy the way it responds instead of judge it. She also talks about learning to accept her own desires and preferences for relationship, rather than worrying about being “too much” or assuming having needs means you have an attachment problem (which is not necessarily true).
In this episode:
- How Amber learned to receive: lying back, being seen in pleasure, and accepting her face, her sounds and her shaking legs instead of being embarrassed by them
- What changed when she said her fantasies out loud to someone who didn't flinch, after years of feeling “insatiable” and dirty for wanting so much
- The anatomy lesson, mirror work and daily breath practice that changed how she feels about her vulva
- Asking for what she wants without apologizing, including an orgasm before penetration
- Why sex stopped hurting once foreplay took as long as her body needed
- How she went from freezing or fawning to saying no out loud, starting with low-stakes role play
- Why wanting more contact from a partner wasn't anxious attachment. It was having needs and not getting them met
- The sentence she prepared for the morning after, so shame didn't get the first word.
Amber got here by listening to what her body asked for, one small decision at a time, and practicing until she trusted herself. If you're starting over after divorce, struggling with people-pleasing, feeling like you're “too much,” or still hearing the voice of religious shaming in your head, this one is for you.
Topics: sexual confidence, sex after divorce, sexual shame, receiving pleasure, purity culture, boundaries
Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and “Shoulds” Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/
The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
© Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.
