Why Do I Want Sex So Much (Or So Little)? Understanding Your Desire
If you’re dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples—there’s so much more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together. Most higher-desire partners think they just […]
How to Stop Taking Sexual Rejection Personally
If you’re the higher-desire partner, this one’s for you. When your partner says no to sex and you immediately spiral into “they don’t love me,” “I’m undesirable,” or “our relationship is doomed”—you’re making their experience all about you. And while I understand why (sexual rejection hurts), this response creates a massive problem. When you catastrophize […]
Why Obligation Sex Is Harming Your Relationship (And What to Do Instead)
Let me be direct about this: If you’re having obligation sex, you are harming yourself and your relationship. I know that sounds harsh. And I say it with compassion, because I understand why you’re doing it. I’ve been there. You don’t want to disappoint your partner. You don’t want to deal with their hurt feelings […]
How to Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner and Start Fixing the Dynamic
This is the foundational mistake that underlies almost everything else when it comes to desire discrepancies. When there’s a desire gap in your relationship, it’s incredibly tempting to locate the problem in one person. Usually, it’s the partner who wants less sex who gets labeled as “the problem.” The logic seems obvious: If only […]
Top 10 Mistakes People Make with a Desire Discrepancy . . . (and What to Do Instead)
After years of working with couples on mismatched desire—and recording 100 episodes of my podcast on this exact topic—I’ve noticed something: the same patterns show up over and over again. These aren’t random mistakes. They’re strategies that make perfect sense in the moment. You’re scared. You’re desperate to fix things. You’re using the only tools […]